Two aliens landed in the NT desert near Three Ways servo that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the c--ky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.
Derek my M10 love and I have been married for a very long time. The other day I saw him taking a careful look at me, and then he said, "Darling, a long time ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl. Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I am sleeping with an old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
I am a very reasonable woman, so I told him to go out and find a hot 25 yr old girl, and I would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Derek now reckons older women are great, as they really know how to solve a blokes mid-life crisis!
Next I have to get him to work on his karma, as he thought the following article he found was funny, but I am not so sure.
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist,
badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and
coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved. '
He yelled back that 'Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour twerp who knows bugger all about running the country.'
So I said that 'Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !'
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'
Thanks for that. Second time I've been caught grinning uncontrollably today.
The first was this morning, when a guy walked past me with a T-shirt with two squirrels playing in a tree.
The caption was something like: "You think it's just fun and games, until someone loses a nut".
I'd be surprised if it weren't deliberate - I've noticed a number of occasions when the times has put images/articles next to eachother that have been so funny it can't possibly be a coincidence.
My fave was a photo of bill clinton looking very sheepish around the time of the monica scandal - right next to it was a photo of a monkey in a space suit looking very sheepish as it was about to be sent into orbit. The facial expression and even hair colour matched - it kept me laughing for weeks.
(Oops - after writing the above I've now realised two things: firstly that the funny thing in the times is something to do with the name of the guy who wrote the article (which I can't read) secondly the bill clinton/monkey thing I referred to was in the guardian and not the times. Ah well still funny though.)
Dearie me lovely Chockstoners, isn't there a lot of serious threads about life and what not, happening on this site at the moment.
Here is something light to brighten up the day so that we don't take it all too seriously and if we get taken to task wouldn't have a leg to stand on.
Three women are at a dinner party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Ladies, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."
"Well," the third woman says, " I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."
Oh yes. I forgot that Derek my M10 love told me a good blonde joke the other day as well, so here it is for all those people who like making snap decisions.
Who Wants to be Millionaire?
A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would go home with the $25,000 Milestone money.
And as suspected - the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build itsí own nest; but instead lies its' eggs in the nests of other birds?
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo, or
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot..... She did not know the answer.
She had used up the 50/50 Lifeline and the Ask the Audience Lifeline.....
All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
And, she hoped she would not have to use it because....... Her Friend was, well, a blonde.
But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
'That's easy.... The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one her friend gave her.
And considering her friend was a blonde; it seemed the logical thing to do..... But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
'That answer is absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, inviting, of course - the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'I just donít know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos donít build nests. They live in clocks.'
On 13/04/2010 ambyeok wrote:
>Ah, the sad decline of maths in online
>"Two people were charged with possessing or using marijuanain places of
>worship. The figure was a 90 per cent decrease on the previous year, when
>20 people were charged with the offence"
I give up. What's wrong with that? Apart from a lack of statistical significance.