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Friday Funnies

3:39:10 PM
Hello chockerstone dearies. Derek my M10 love is a bit dreadful sometimes and loves to tease me about being blonde. It is all in good humour though, and I have saved some of the things he has found for me, to give to you now.

Some are a bit old but others might make you smile.

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'


You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the


A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'


A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
It to the shop assistant to ask what it was.

The shop assistant said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot,
And cold things cold.'

'Wow', said the blonde, 'that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!' So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blonde replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'


A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and
I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'


And last but not least, one exposing the Natimuk blondes preparing for the Festivities coming up.

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Two blondes were doing some carpenter work preparing for the Fringe.
One was nailing down a stage siding, and would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
throwing those nails away?'
The first explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
The second got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the stage!'


4:35:21 PM
Q. what do u call a smart blonde?

A. a golden retriever...
8:45:47 AM
Redneck takes his daughter to the doctor and tells the doc he needs to get her started on birth control.

Doctor: Birth control? But she's only 14. Is she sexually active.

Redneck: Nah...not really...just kinda lays there. Just like her mother.

(like the blonde joke)

1:00:59 PM
Good afternoon Chockstone dearies.
After the rather flippant last contribution I thought I would cajole Derek into finding something more deep and meaningful.
This is what he gave me.

The Universe Solved.

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like... night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Too cerebral?
OK, here is something a little different to celebrate Mental Health Day.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to post a contribution to an unstable friend..

I have now done my part!!!

10:38:29 AM
This is an oldy, but a very goody. Probably my favourite video on the internet that I'm allowed to watch at work:

Sound greatly enhances the experience.

11:07:18 AM
After Mr evanbb's aggro tantrum session link (above), which no doubt is funny for those of us who are more physically minded, I thought I'd post something a little more philosophical for the genteel folk who like to ponder.

Can you get married in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.
St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled 'Yes,' he informs the couple,
'You can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground!!
'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!
......Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

Maybe marriage sometimes is not that good?
Derek my M10 love reckons he knows of a bloke who thinks footy is better.
What do you think?

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal square. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty"

This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand final and not use it?"

The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

9:39:43 AM
Q. How do you keep a boulderer in suspense?

11:27:15 AM
On 24/10/2009 pmonks wrote:
>Q. How do you keep a boulderer in suspense?

SuperGlue on the handholds?
12:42:58 PM
Ah, love a good lawyer joke mrsM10.

With apologies to Kate Fin who told it much better. You need to read this aloud.

A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: "I'm not going near him" it says, "he's a cyclepath!"

3:39:14 PM
I know it's not Friday but hey, it's xkcd:

Where did you even get this wall? Return it there and stand it back up right now.
3:44:09 PM
f--- you, Andrew! You beat me by 3 minutes.

3:44:55 PM
I'm even doing work today and everything...

5:35:44 PM
On 24/10/2009 pmonks wrote:
>Q. How do you keep a boulderer in suspense?

Well Peter, tell us the answer. Don't keep us in suspense.

Or am I thick?

Phil Box
8:31:28 PM
On 29/10/2009 kuu wrote:
>On 24/10/2009 pmonks wrote:
>>Q. How do you keep a boulderer in suspense?
>Well Peter, tell us the answer. Don't keep us in suspense.
>Or am I thick?

You're obviously a boulderer.

12:06:31 PM
On 29/10/2009 Mr kuu wrote:
>On 24/10/2009 pmonks wrote:
>>Q. How do you keep a boulderer in suspense?
>Well Peter, tell us the answer. Don't keep us in suspense.
>Or am I thick?

Hello Mr kuu. Life is full of unanswered questions isn't it dearie, but I thought you might know that by now?
By the way, I liked your superglue answer as that would be fun to see! (giggle).

Perhaps you should sit back, enjoy a cuppa, or something stronger if you fancy, and ponder on it for a bit?
Derek my M10 love is a bit of a ponderer (as well as a soak), and he too has tried to find answers.
It is funny how history throws them up sometimes quite a bit later down the track. Take the following that he told me about for example;


The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.
Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each..

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.

Take care on the roads out there this long weekend Vicchockerstoners, and don't bring home the water you may carry to the 'Pines with you!
Give it to the long termers or the new seedlings at least!!
6:11:24 PM
On 30/10/2009 MrsM10iswhereitsat. wrote:

> The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides),

Hence the name, you would need a constitution made of iron to handle all that rum. Now excuse me while I find my lash and indulge in a bit of ...
9:33:01 AM
we did Kieran's route by the same name up on STD Wall (Eagles Head, Vic Range, Grampians) recently. (rum, buggery and the lash). it's bloody awesome. 3 stars imo. I put an incomplete topo on ACA to show the excellent wall, more people should get up there.

and while we're (I'm) talking about eagles head ... does anyone know the details of the 2 pitch (first pitch mostly trad, 2nd pitch mostly bolts) route just left of the obvious square cut roof in the middle of eagles head? it's another awesome route, is it written up anywhere ? both pitches are 21ish

1:36:49 PM
Are you trying to hijack this wonderful thread Mr WM? Not having much success are you dearie? Perhaps the chockerstoners are still in Lovely Long Weekend Out Nati Way mode?

It is not that way for some though.

A LIVING WILL...................

Last night, Derek my M10 love and I were sitting in the living room.

He said to me, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."

So I got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out his beer.

Menopause can be such a bitch.....

I must have been upset with Derek to do that to him. Maybe it was because he insists on plying me with blonde jokes. I swear I have heard so many by now that I don't know what I have shared already and what I haven't. Here are some of them and I will let you decide, while I share a cybercuppa with Mr kuu and ponder for a bit.


Two blondes living in Katoomba were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.... Victoria or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Victoria ?????"


A blonde pushes her Volvo into a service station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you!"


There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on a Melbourne freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel is knitting!

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the copper wound down his window, turned on his loudhailer and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO....," answered the blond... "They're watch dogs!"

Enough of the blonde nonsense. Hands up dearies, who went to the Nati Fringe?
By all accounts it was a raging success. I even heard that the Nati Café which is now open on a Claytons basis did very well for itself too.
Later it was reported that a famous curly haired café owner was touring the Horsham countryside in a chauffeur-driven car when suddenly, a bull jumped out onto the road, and they hit it full on, with the car coming to a stop. Café owner in his usual charming manner says to the chauffeur:

"You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

"You were driving; go and tell the farmer," says Café owner.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Café owner.

The chauffeur replies:
"When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of vintage Port, the wife gave me a slap-up meal, and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Café owner.

"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: I'm Café owner's chauffeur and I've just killed the old bull."

I wonder if he felt frustrated about that?

My good friend Mildred advised me about a great 8 step visualisation meditation that people can try when other people get frustrating. She tells me it really works.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. The warm sun is on your back.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air and the breeze is gently rustling in the leaves.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

8. Let the bubbles drift to the surface. Relax and let the tension go.

3:45:03 PM
Q. Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
A. She had a blonde boyfriend.

4:28:07 PM
On 6/11/2009 MrsM10iswhereitsat. wrote:
> while I share a cybercuppa with Mr kuu and ponder for a bit.

Make mine black with two sugars please.

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There are 1237 messages in this topic.


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