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General Climbing Discussion

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Friday Funnies
1:18:03 PM
More on the topic of marriage.

2:38:01 PM
On 10/09/2009 egosan wrote:

Content no longer there :-(
2:51:54 PM
Thank god nothing dies on the internet

To the guy in my closet, you don't have AIDS - m4w - 30 (Lakewood)
Date: 2009-08-31, 7:18AM EDT
Reply To This Post

First off I want to relieve your fears that you probably don't or at least I hope you don't
have AIDS.

When I came home 3 days ago I heard what was obviously mediocre sex going on in my
bedroom. Since I quickly made the deduction that someone had probably not broken
into my apartment for some quick copulation I figured I had just caught my wife cheating
on me which I had long suspected. Your ofish grunts were so loud that I actually had to
reopen the door and slam it again for you two to hear me. I stood in the entry for a while
as I heard you both scramble before calling out that I was home.

When I walked into the bedroom my wife had some excuse about having a headache
and when asked about the nighty she was wearing she said it was the most comfortable
thing she could find. Oh...and btw, I don't know how many affairs that you participate in
but a word of advice is that when you hide in the closest from an angry husbands you
shouldn't leave a few toes hanging out from under the door. At this point I am in a bit of a
predicament.... I could have the typical masculine response and open the door and beat
the piss out of you but then you might file charges and quite frankly I just don't really
care enough. Not to mention I don't know how big you are and I couldn't think of anything
much worse than finding your wife cheating on you and then get pummeled by her new
lover. It entered my mind to have some marathon sex and make you stand and watch
the whole thing but seeing how she is a dirty whore the idea grossed me out a little. I
came pretty close to just hanging out and masterbating but I am glad I went the
direction I did.

So in liue of those options I thought of the funniest thing I could do for my own personal
amusement. I sat her down on the bed and looked deeply in her eyes and told her that I
had been diagnosed with early stages of AIDS. Recently I have had a series of colds
and went to the doctor who told me it was probably just a string of bad luck and it was
going around a little bit. The whole thing took about 2 hours and involved a lot of yelling,
accusing and crying.

I felt like I hadn't punished you quite enough, even though I fully acknowledge that it
really isn't your fault at all, so I told her that the illness was making me tired so I needed
to lay down. I could hear her on the phone making an appointment with the doctor and I
could hear you rustling around in the closest. You did a great job holding still seeing
how you probably aren't used to standing in a 3'x4' closest for hours and hours on end
but if I hadn't already known you were there you would have been caught for sure.

After about another hour of laying in bed thinking of what I was going to do I felt sorry for
you to be mixed up in this crazy thing so I said I was going to go fill the prescriptions
the doctor gave me and left the apartment so you could leave. I hope that you weren't
too uncomfortable in there and actually felt a little guilty about it later.

Anyways, I put this in missed connections because I actually wouldn't mind taking you
out and buying you a drink. After all that is some funny stuff to laugh about and you are
saving me thousands in alimony since my wife cheated and the least I can do is repay
you for a $4.00 beer.

Again no hard feelings and best of luck!

BTW, you might still want to get your self tested since my wife is a dirty whore.

* Location: Lakewood
1:27:57 PM

I don't think the way to defeat the western capitalist pigs was to fly planes into buildings after all.

If only we could get a man in on the inside...but then again...what are the chances of those stupid, fat Americans electing a Black Muslim brother?
1:53:04 PM

I personally though was more impressed by what those aliens did in Liquid Sky.

10:18:51 AM
This gave me a chuckle.

1:32:10 PM
On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales. They came to a village which had the longest place name in the Northern Hemisphere.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr.........gurrr..........king'
2:50:11 PM
I'm actually not too sure how funny this is.... I'm not sure what it is.
2:53:55 PM
post of the day.

Kittens have sharp teeth, maybe its her thing if you know what I mean.

1:19:18 PM
Yoo hoo dearies. Derek my M10 love thinks this one might have been done before but he is not sure, so I will post it for him anyway.


A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, "Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the fack out of the lawyer and says "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

Just in case it has been done, I will also add a snippet from a letter from a relly who lives over there. It is a a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly "I think the man would have said - Well, I'll be fooked!! A talking pig!"

And here is another bit of news that Derek read this morning, that is worth sharing.

Apology to a Mugger
This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper in Georgia.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long's Drugstore, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. AT&T just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat - I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

4:18:25 AM
In honour of last weekend's "talk like a pirate day":

Q. What does a pirate have on his/her face?
A. A scaaaaarrrgh!

Q. What does a pirate smoke?
A. A cigaaaaarrrgh!

Q. Where does a pirate go for a drink?
A. A baaaaarrrgh!

Q. What does a pirate use to get around?

A. Why a ship, of course!

8:00:57 AM
On 26/09/2009 pmonks wrote:
>In honour of last weekend's "talk like a pirate day":
>Q. What does a pirate use to get around?
>A. A gaff-rigged schoonaaaaarrrgh ?
>A. Why a ship, of course!

6:51:56 AM
On 18/09/2009 plugngo wrote:
>I'm actually not too sure how funny this is.... I'm not sure what it is.
Yeah, I don't know what to make of that either. I did spend a solid 10 minutes laughing about it.
5:51:06 PM
I came across this exercise suggested for the over 30's to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to hold for a full minute, then relax.

2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bag. Then a 25kg potato bag and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm at this level).

3. When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the bags.

Chuck Norris
7:13:02 PM
Something for all you hippies

(maybe its been seen before, but its still funny).

salty crag
9:14:01 AM
This might have been posted before but...

Your an Aussie if...
You know the meaning of the word "girt"
You believe stubbies can be either drunk or worn
you think its normal to have a leader called Kevin
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
When you hear an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
You understand the phrase " agroup of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
You believe the "I" in the Australia is optional.
You can translate "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas".
You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns, sheep etc.
You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 thats twice as big as its $2 coin.
You believe rendered down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread (Mmmm...vegemite...).
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Aussie, untill they stuff up, at which point they become Kiwi again.
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the A

10:28:12 AM
You can complete the phrase "We're going home in the back of a ______ van".

2:08:34 PM
why is marmalade not as good as jam?... - because you cant marmalade your dick up your
girlfriends arse...

2:15:54 PM
On 9/10/2009 blueskyblonde wrote:
>why is marmalade not as good as jam?... - because you cant marmalade your
>dick up your
>girlfriends arse...

This is the best joke ever, I have heard it before but it doesn't get any less funny.

3:00:32 PM
Carrying on from the "plastic nuts" thread...

There was this high school kid who only had one nut, and after discovering for herself, his first girlfriend not only broke up with him but spread the news all over the school, making him a laughing stock. Incensed, he chased her down and shouted "I'm going to f--- you till you're dead!", which he did.

Her best friend continued the taunting, so he chased her down too, shouting "I'm going to f--- you till you're dead too!", which he attempted to do.

After much puffing and panting he finally gave up, and his best friend turned to him and said "I guess the saying is wrong: you can't kill two birds with one stone!".

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There are 1237 messages in this topic.


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