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Friday Funnies

7:32:43 PM
On 24/08/2015 hero wrote:
>I think it's a funny image but I'm a little confused by this (and I know
>I'm taking it too literally but, as there are no holds above the urinal
>you would have to stiff arm off the lip of said urinal to get your penis
>high enough (yes, room for large penis joke here .....) or hold the slopey
>slimy top of the urinal at your waist, or is it a double gaston?

Flip upside down and hope you can maintain pressure?
9:04:27 PM
One arm up and bridge to the roof.

8:42:40 AM
Hello again chuckstones dearies, and a special yoo hoo to Mr Capt_mulch who seems to be having funny withdrawal symptoms lately.

Goodness me, reading recent posts on this site makes me realise again that things are not always what they seem to be. Take for examples the Falcons Lookout bolts, and Mr mikl's toprope special setup booty, why it's almost enough to get you thinking, or not, as the case may be, according to Derek my M10 love.

Enough of the chit chat and down to business of other examples of things not being what they seem after our returning from holidays (are you paying attention Mr gnaguts?), in time to join the upcoming silly season in Melbourniaville.

Music From the Grave

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. Could it be Andre Rieu, he thinks to himself? He looks around but no one can be seen, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.

They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says: "He's decomposing."

The written word.

A minister is in town for a convention, and after the first day session he goes back to his hotel room and peruses the Gideon's bible. He then sets it aside and goes down to the lounge, where he strikes up a conversation with the barmaid, and brings her back to his room after her shift.
As she's stripping down, she remarks "Should we be doing this? You being a minister and all."

He replies "It's in the bible my child."

So after he's done, and in the shower, she opens the bible and there on the flyleaf is penned the notation "The barmaid puts out!"

Here is one Derek found for the photographers out there after reading some of the controversy in picture of the week comments.


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's

Are you ok again now Mr Capt_mulch?
If not, then here is another.

It was a small town in the Wimmera and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon an aging golden haired boulderer sitting in a used car!

He stopped and asked him, "Why are you sitting there in the car. Are you trying to steal it?"

"Heavens no, I bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"I can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"I was told that if I bought a Used car here I'd get screwed ….so I'm just waiting."

12:25:19 PM
Hello again Chockstone dearies.
The urinal photo higher up this page prompted me to post this oldy but a goody that Derek my M10 love recently found again.

The Gold Urinal.

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice at their spacious home.
After several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
2:19:56 PM
Mrs M10 : I've never heard of anyone storing their saxophone in their toilet. And Bill and Hillary must have lousy memories and don't learn from their mistakes because apparently George W Bush made the same incredibly dumb mistake 8 years previously.

p.s. it's Tuesday. Crap "jokes" day is Friday.


8:22:16 AM
It was a wee joke, not a crap joke...
8:45:31 AM
Reminds of an old political joke about Bob Hawke and Malcolm Fraser in a bar and Malcolm confesses he's having trouble getting hard enough for Tammy. And Bob said, well with Hazel, I always just whack it on the bed head a couple of times before I get into bed. Malc says he'll try that.

Anyway. When he thinks the moment is right he's just about to climb into bed with Tammy and whacks his todger on the bed head a couple of times and Tammy excitedly says, "Is that you bob?"

11:19:08 PM
That was a good one Mr Hero.

Long time no see Chockerstone drearies... and a special yoo hoo to the lovely Mr KL who missed out on the key words of last time, being "oldy but a goody that Derek my M10 love recently found again".

Derek my M10 love says that this one is worth sharing with you since the interest rates have dropped again lately.

A little old lady went into the Reserve Bank of Australia one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hahing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Reserve Bank of Australia's president's balls in my hand."

5:48:11 PM

8:52:32 PM
From :

10:38:36 AM
Yoo hoo lovely Chockstone peoples out there in cyber land where it is nice and dry unlike today in south east Australia; in particular Mr AP who might relate to the following, as it's Friday again and what better to do than kick this thread along?

>I left that Toxic, Utterly Miserarble place that it has degenerated into with a smile on my face, Integrity, Honesty, ethics, morals and Pride in my job intact and a Very Happy heart.

Reading this reminded Derek my M10 love and I, about events in the U S of A at the moment, and a couple of the Mr Trump things he has heard down at the pub, so I thought I'd share with them you.

America and UK are having a competition to see who can mess their country up the most.
UK is currently in the lead but America has a Trump card.

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour
of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have
him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for
just $100.'

The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They
return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald
Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only

The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

OK, enough of the trumpery silliness which should rightly be long buried issues; but hopefully not like this..

>I can't apologise if I 'got the gig'

Bagpiper funeral.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

A bagpiper, who played many gigs. Recently was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who used to boulder in the back blocks of the Wimmera of Victoria near a certain scenic Mount. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the area.
As he was not familiar with the back blocks of the area, he got lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt bad and apologised to the men for being late.

He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this boulderer fellow with no family and friends. He played like he had never played before for this homeless man.
And as he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. He wept, a passer-by wept, they all wept together. When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car.
Though his head was hung low, his heart was full.
As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty three years."
Apparently, he’s still lost...

12:57:01 PM
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

8:50:37 PM
Yoo hoo Mr widewetandslippery online now and writing:
>>Ive been known to scream insecure, even on toprope, a few women have said that to me as well but thats different
>She sounds mentally ill.

. . . or just sick?
Derek my M10 love says that you of all people should know what truly sick is.
Could be not so insecure? Maybe something like this?

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

He sits in the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks.

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl.

The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

May the wind whistle quietly up ya kilt dearie.

7:25:22 PM
Hello C’stoners, dearie me what is with all the dilemma on Forum this week?

Is it a slab or isn't it, for Pic Gallery; what is the best grip for the grips at Arapa-Gramps; whether to buy this climbing shoe rubber or that; traveling to a new climbing destination and asking for a guidebook location enroute, wtf?; Mr Imahexlizard going rusty on his thread; Mr One Day Hero winding up Mz Wendy over something or other: It all sounds a bit umm, normal I suppose?

Derek my M10 love tells me it all started long ago and is under control, using the following as an example, but I'm not so sure, so what do you think?

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"
Adam told God that he was lonely. God said he could fix that, no problem.
In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."

God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants.
She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.
God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.
She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.

Adam said, "Wow, that's a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?"
And God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a minute, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.

10:08:40 AM
Q. Why did the climber fall in the well?
A. She didn't see that well.

6:26:18 PM
Hello Mr pmonks.
If we are going to do dad-jokes, here's one for you.
Q. What is slower hot or cold?
A. Cold, because anyone can catch one...

I have some better things to post but you will have to wait a sec for it till I find them again dearies, so check back in five.




Okay, back again, after Derek my M10 love helped me out.

On the topic of grips, at Arapiles, Grampians, or where-ever ... Derek tells me to tell Mr Jackson that regardless of size, shape or spacing of them, it all depends on how hard you grab them, and gave the following examples to help.

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
There is a sign in front of the box.
The sign says:

ONLY $20!

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1.Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise NOTHING happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE .. MORE ...TIME!!!'

A short rotund trad climber from Nati returned home early from work only to find his best mate in bed with his missus.
Overcome by anger, he grabbed a knife and stabbed him to death.
The missus, shook her head, looked at him and said, " Keep that up and, pretty soon, you'll have no mates left."

A blonde curly haired boulderer walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The boulderer certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the boulderer gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth, you have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex, you have to take care of that problem .

The boulderer is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, " but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the boulderer has a few more drinks and finally says, " Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then, nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the boulderer surely must have been killed by the dog, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He slowly says, " Now... , where's that old woman with the bad tooth?

Do you have the gist of the grips now dearies?

7:38:29 PM
I give gold to the last joke

2:36:40 PM
Yoo hoo Mr AP online now and who is
>Never too old to fall for the delightfulness of a pretty lass.
>I complained and the bill's just been rescinded. The guy advised "the salesperson will be spoken to" and refused to pass on her mobile number, the miserable sod.

Derek my M10 love reckons there's no hope for you even if your electricity woes are sorted. He tells me that life is full of examples and gave me a couple to share with you that you might be able to relate to?

A once was great climber with dark long hair was walking down the main drag of ‘Sham the other day, past all the shops with the big glass windows.
It was then he spotted a dishevelled, aging, though still suntanned dirtbag, wearing worn out KT26’s, and was beside himself with admiration, ... that the fellow could still get along at all!

He later rushed into a supermarket to pick up a few things.
He headed for the express line where the checkout chick was talking on the phone with her back turned to him.
"Excuse me," he said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The checkout chick turned, stared at him for a second, looked him up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

A very old couple that have been married forever is sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.
He crawls back up and asks, 'What was that for?' She says, 'For having a little p*cker.'
He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.
She crawls back and says, 'What was that for?' He says, 'For knowing there was more than one size.'

The other day a boulderer was having sex with a married woman when her husband came home early.
She told him he’d have to use the back door and said he’d have to be quick.
He later reflected he should have just left, but it’s not every day he got an offer like that.

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained …
“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbour? Good heavens!”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

A teacher at a Victorian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arse teenager who'd recently gotten into abseiling, at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

2:36:09 PM
Q. When does a joke become a dad joke?
A. When it becomes apparent.

(that one's especially for you Mrs M10!)

6:08:14 PM
On 29/07/2017 Mr pmonks wrote:
>Q. When does a joke become a dad joke?
>A. When it becomes apparent.
>(that one's especially for you Mrs M10!)

But what about the gay lesbian trannie etc crowd Mr pmonks? You of all peeps, being San Fran based, are sadly neglecting them, and could do a lot better!

OK, moving right along dearies.

For some time now Derek my M10 love and I have noticed the banter between certain Chockstone personalities. Sometimes we are unsure as to whether such banter is in jest or rather more acerbic, so Derek suggested that amongst the following funny things, one or two might start to shine a light on such occurrences to help us decide.
I'm not so sure though. What do you think?

A short rotund bloke was sitting at the ‘Sham bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making gym climber on holidays from Singapore, steps up next to him grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the man bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the Singa-gymby says, "I didn't think you'd CRY! I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," the bloke says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a town planning meeting and my boss fired me."

"When I went out to the carpark, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any theft insurance. Then I left my wallet in the taxi I took to get home, where I found my wife in bed with another man, and then my dog bit me. "

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I toss down three drinks in a row, then I buy another."

"I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But, enough about me. How are you doing?"

A quiz for the intellectuals amongst the Chockstoners-
Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinski
2. Bill Clinton
3. Hilary Clinton
4. Adolph Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, right?
You know all the criminals, murderers, liars, thieves, sluts, whores and cheaters, but you don’t know a Pope?

A trad climber is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The trad climber thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever.”
“Sorry said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life.”
"OK, then, I want to die after the pollies balance the budget and eliminate the debt.”
"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

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