On 26/07/2013 Mr shortman wrote:
>I think you are having a particularly bad week MrsM10orWhateveritis.
Derek my M10 love tells me that I am wasting my time trying to elevate the standard of chocky gutter-dweller sense of humour, so I will go back to having a 'good week' just for you dearie.
Where were we, oh, now I remember, back to the 69 kind of thing.
You don't work for the mob, or drive a cab for a crust do you?
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.
One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.
He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives.
Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."
"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"
"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."
The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."
"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."
The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it!"
The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one deal!"
The Crabby Cabbie
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
Yoo hoo Mr shortman, waving at you madly from over on this thread dearie, since you seem to have a thing about aging, given you wrote on 9/08/2013:
>This gives me hope. I plan on starting to climb regularly when I'm about 50.
You really ought to do more of it now dear, as you never know if you will get that far in life. Maybe take a climbing holiday to USA, and have fun avoiding the a**holes that another thread indicates are to be found there?
Someone’s USA Week in Review
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through France. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence
'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
Hello Chockerstone dearies. My my, after going on holidays for a bit isn’t there is a is a lot to catch up on, on this lovely site.
That suspicious characters thread is a bit of a worry but it seems not much else is happening in the sleepy back-blocks, though I did hear of one incident about a colourful Nati fellow.
Colourful Natimuk identity was always having head aches so he went to the doctor.
The doctor said, 'Colourful Natimuk identity, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Colourful Natimuk identity was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down a Horsham street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long..'
Colourful Natimuk identity laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Colourful Natimuk identity tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Colourful Natimuk identity admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Colourful Natimuk identity thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Colourful Natimuk identity and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Colourful Natimuk identity was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Colourful Natimuk identity tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Colourful Natimuk identity walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Colourful Natimuk identity thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Colourful Natimuk identity laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
Yes, yes, moving right along, as it all depends on your point of view doesn't it Mr mallion?
Take the Murphy example to illustrate my point.
"Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative however.
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
Derek my M10 love, loves the Irish, but reckons they have completely stuffed up the bird in the hand cliche after he overheard the following conversation down the pub last night.
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
For the history/politics buffs. Reportedly a true story.
When Richard Nixon met Mao Tse Tung on his landmark visit to the People's Republic of China in 1972, during the conversation he asked Mao via an interpreter "Chairman, what do you think would have been the result if Nikita Khrushchev had been assassinated in 1963 and not John F Kennedy?".
Mao considered for a short time and responded "I cannot say, Mr President, but one thing is for sure: Aristotle Onassis would not have married Mrs Khrushchev."
On 27/09/2013 tnd wrote:
>For the history/politics buffs. Reportedly a true story.
>When Richard Nixon met Mao Tse Tung on his landmark visit to the People's
>Republic of China in 1972, during the conversation he asked Mao via an
>interpreter "Chairman, what do you think would have been the result if
>Nikita Khrushchev had been assassinated in 1963 and not John F Kennedy?".
>Mao considered for a short time and responded "I cannot say, Mr President,
>but one thing is for sure: Aristotle Onassis would not have married Mrs
I dunno Mao, she was probably closer to his age...
Hello lovely C'stoners. Has anyone noticed lately how costs of living are going up constantly? This has all sorts of (often unexpected), spinoff consequences.
Take this example as told to me by one of my book club friends recently.
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Ward, please".
Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible".
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's".
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time".
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?".
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!"
... or this one about my new black bra.
I recently had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels, and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When Derek my M10 love came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(wait for it. . .)
" What's for dinner, Zorro?" ... followed up by "How much did that getup cost you?"
Seriously though, raccoons are nasty [censored]ers. They're smart, dextrous and aggressive - my neighbour's cat regularly needs counseling from all the beatings it gets from raccoons that come in through the cat door.
Skunks are nasty [censored]ers too. I thought they'd smell like fart, but no - skunk odour is a really nasty chemically smell that I can best describe as a cross between burning rubber and asparagus urine smell.
On 25/10/2013 pmonks wrote:
>Seriously though, raccoons are nasty [censored]ers. They're smart, dextrous
>and aggressive - my neighbour's cat regularly needs counseling from all
>the beatings it gets from raccoons that come in through the cat door.
Any critter that beats up on cats is golden in my book. Our neighbor's cat keeps coming home with mortally injured birds, bluetongues etc - I'd love to get a pet bird of prey that was capable of bringing the neighborhood cats back to our place one at a time in a similar state.
>Skunks are nasty [censored]ers too. I thought they'd smell like fart,
>but no - skunk odour is a really nasty chemically smell that I can best
>describe as a cross between burning rubber and asparagus urine smell.
Really? I kind of like the smell of skunk... at least at that low-level you get when one has been hit somewhere on the highway. Mind you, while living in the US I nearly got sprayed once or twice when I surprised one on my bike late at night. If I'd got a face full I'm sure I'd like it less.