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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

 Page 7 of 61. Messages 1 to 20 | 21 to 40 | 41 to 60 | 61 to 80 | 81 to 100 | 101 to 120 | 121 to 140 | 141 to 160 | 161 to 180 | 181 to 200 | 201 to 220 | 221 to 240 | 241 to 260 | 261 to 280 | 281 to 300 | 301 to 320 | 321 to 340 | 341 to 360 | 361 to 380 | 381 to 400 | 401 to 420 | 421 to 440 | 441 to 460 | 461 to 480 | 481 to 500 | 501 to 520 | 521 to 540 | 541 to 560 | 561 to 580 | 581 to 600 | 601 to 620 | 621 to 640 | 641 to 660 | 661 to 680 | 681 to 700 | 701 to 720 | 721 to 740 | 741 to 760 | 761 to 780 | 781 to 800 | 801 to 820 | 821 to 840 | 841 to 860 | 861 to 880 | 881 to 900 | 901 to 920 | 921 to 940 | 941 to 960 | 961 to 980 | 981 to 1000 | 1001 to 1020 | 1021 to 1040 | 1041 to 1060 | 1061 to 1080 | 1081 to 1100 | 1101 to 1120 | 1121 to 1140 | 1141 to 1160 | 1161 to 1180 | 1181 to 1200 | 1201 to 1204
Author
Friday Funnies
hero
19-Mar-2008
9:02:11 PM
While I'm on a roll with animal jokes (and don't you just love google where you put in the punch line and then cut and past):

penguin


A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he noticed his oil light was on. He got out of the car and, sure enough, it was leaking oil all over the road.

The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he had a few others to look at first but if he came back in an hour he could tell the penguin what was wrong with his car. The penguin agreed and went for a walk.

He found an ice-cream shop and thought a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in the summer, after all. He sat down at the counter and started in on his ice cream. Of course he had no hands so it was rather messy. By the time he was done he had ice cream all over his flippers, and his mouth was a total mess. He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No no," said the penguin. "It's just ice cream."

richardo
21-Mar-2008
10:21:52 PM
On 13/03/2008 MrsM10iswhereitsat. wrote:

>28 posts and 21 years old. Goodness me, some people wish for the same
>ratio in their climbing grades! It may be a sign of your immaturity perhaps,
>

Immaturity!??? That is a pot being called black by the kettle.

I do not speak alone when I say you are a very desirable woman. Your sharp wit would bring most men to
their knees. Leave Derek behind. He is not worthy of someone with the heart and love such as yourself.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
30-May-2008
2:20:34 PM
The year of the rat.

A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied:
'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The fellah gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it, .... and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'Heck no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Kiwi, a Collingwood player, anything from Qld, and a boulderer!






{teeheehee Derek my M10 love suggested the boulderer item but I got him back by adding the 'pies bit}.

Capt_mulch
30-May-2008
3:56:01 PM



Now that's a hard route!!

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
20-Jun-2008
12:22:15 PM
Goodness me Mr Capt_mulch. What an interesting photo you have found. The seaside panoramic vista in the background is all but taken over by the distracting foreground.

Yoohoo Mr Hero, (waving at you madly from my seat in front of the 'puter), I have been given another kiwi joke by Derek my M10 love , to post here since he is still too proud to make amends with the moderators of Chockstone and get his account posting rights back again, in order to post such things himself. He reckons you will like this one if you have not already heard it before.






Marooned Kiwi

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised
that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while,
he got into the habit of taking his two companions to the beach every
evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As
they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the
sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man
took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling. A few months passed by and, lo and behold, there
was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the
most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her
back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her
to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky,
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the
urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the
young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking
the dog for a walk?"
earwig
20-Jun-2008
12:40:38 PM
Have you ever wondered who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
27-Jun-2008
12:52:12 PM
No Mr earwig, I have never wondered that.

Yoohoo all. It is Friday again, and aren’t we all lucky to see another one.
Reading this weeks posts I have to agree with Derek my M10 love, that sometimes a little lightening up is a good thing, and he has given me another funny to post to help things along. Trust him to combine drinking and religious jokes! He says the only poster who may not benefit from his finding jokes efforts this week, is Mr n00bpwn3r, who he reckons is probably a kiwi , and so this would be entirely understandable.





Drinking with Jesus.

A Kiwi, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus. This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Kiwi calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Kiwi is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of
Lion Beer for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It’s a Miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Kiwi, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Kiwi whispers. "Bugger off mate, I'm on Workers Comp."!







MrsM10iswhereitsat.
4-Jul-2008
12:02:57 PM
Since the countdown is on till World Youth Day in Sinney Town soon , Derek my M10 love suggested I post this religious youth joke for today’s Friday Funnies contribution.





Baptized or Sandbagged?


Three young Boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been Baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with Us.
Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".

When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do You think We are?"

The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on You."

The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do You think that means?"
After considering, the oldest one said,
"I think it means we're Pisspatarians."


Capt_mulch
4-Jul-2008
2:23:57 PM
Hut With No Beer
(Sung to the tune of you know what)

I rang up Wallwombat and asked "what's the plan?"
"We're off to the Bungles, come if you can!"
I packed up the car and bought lots of good cheer
'Cause there's nothing more lonesome, than a hut with no beer

A bottle of Scotch, a goon, forty beers
Enough for a teetotal man for a year
I knew it was hardly enough for my peers
'Cause they'd never stay long, at a hut with no beer

I slogged up the track with a Sherpa sized load
I had to leave some in the car at the road
I was worried as the carpark was nothing like near
'Cause there's nothing more sober, than a hut with no beer

The second night blew and the Scotch it came out
So did the goon, 'cause the beer was in drought
Stand back said our Dave, you have nothing to fear
I'll run to the car, for the hut with no beer

Dave was a hero, saved us from our plight
The beer it was drank in the warm candle light
One each in the morning to help pack our gear
'Cause there's nothing attractive, about a hut with no beer

We marched back to the cars and worked up a thirst
Lucky for all of us Dave got there first
He plucked our last three from the van with a cheer
'Cause there's nothing so dry, as a thirst without beer

Our statistics are awesome said Dave with a frown
Eighty beers, Scotch and goon, managed all to go down
He looked up the hill, and said with a tear
"But there's nothing more lonesome, than a hut with no beer.


widewetandslippery
4-Jul-2008
3:06:04 PM
I resemble that.




Capt_mulch
4-Jul-2008
4:52:36 PM
Epics and heroism should be written up as songs and poetry, to be repeated in drunken song around remote campfires and sputtering MSRs.

anthonyk
4-Jul-2008
6:30:08 PM
ok this is a bad one

Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping her boyfriend?
A: Wipe her butt
-deano-
11-Jul-2008
12:20:20 AM
In a recent footy fan survey in the Sun Herald, 83% of Collingwood supporters said that they have had sex in the shower.

The other 17% have not yet been in prison.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
11-Jul-2008
12:25:07 PM
Yoohoo dearies. Derek my M10 love has found another one (that I have changed a little to keep the theme running and to get back at him about an offline conversation we had discussing bitches), so warm the tea pot and put a cosy on it while it draws, while you read and enjoy as we all count down to world youth day?


Golf?




A Collingwood supporter playing golf in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise.' And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the Collingwood supporter golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 notes I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun. 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?' Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

hero
11-Jul-2008
12:25:50 PM
Reminds me of a T-shirt I once made:

Number of boulderers who have had sex on their mats 99%
Number of boulderers who have had sex on their mat with someone else 1%

and that reminds me of another Tshirt I made for a friend, which he has been threatening to wear in Sydney for International Moron Week next week

My brother but f#cked Jesus Christ and all I got was the Tshirt he wiped off on (the original shirt did not have a censored u).

IdratherbeclimbingM9
11-Jul-2008
5:09:16 PM
Found this on crag-x. ... ~> seems to fit the sentiment of some posts above?







muki
11-Jul-2008
5:50:42 PM
I like it !, how much for two lions? would love to see that in stereo.

IdratherbeclimbingM9
11-Jul-2008
9:47:06 PM
>two lions
>stereo

LOL !

... but with that many screaming youth, it would be more like a surround-sound system as they flee?

dom
11-Jul-2008
11:48:41 PM
Can't even imagine how quickly I would get banned from this site if I made the same comments about Islam, Muhammad and the Hajj.

Capt_mulch
12-Jul-2008
5:29:10 AM
Stone him! Stone him! He said Jehovah!!!!

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