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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

 Page 9 of 61. Messages 1 to 20 | 21 to 40 | 41 to 60 | 61 to 80 | 81 to 100 | 101 to 120 | 121 to 140 | 141 to 160 | 161 to 180 | 181 to 200 | 201 to 220 | 221 to 240 | 241 to 260 | 261 to 280 | 281 to 300 | 301 to 320 | 321 to 340 | 341 to 360 | 361 to 380 | 381 to 400 | 401 to 420 | 421 to 440 | 441 to 460 | 461 to 480 | 481 to 500 | 501 to 520 | 521 to 540 | 541 to 560 | 561 to 580 | 581 to 600 | 601 to 620 | 621 to 640 | 641 to 660 | 661 to 680 | 681 to 700 | 701 to 720 | 721 to 740 | 741 to 760 | 761 to 780 | 781 to 800 | 801 to 820 | 821 to 840 | 841 to 860 | 861 to 880 | 881 to 900 | 901 to 920 | 921 to 940 | 941 to 960 | 961 to 980 | 981 to 1000 | 1001 to 1020 | 1021 to 1040 | 1041 to 1060 | 1061 to 1080 | 1081 to 1100 | 1101 to 1120 | 1121 to 1140 | 1141 to 1160 | 1161 to 1180 | 1181 to 1200 | 1201 to 1204
Author
Friday Funnies
hero
22-Aug-2008
12:01:28 AM
Russian Meat Story

One cold Russian winter in the Soviet era, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop. At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the Jews leave?"

They did, and the line was shortened somewhat. At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of the non-party members please leave?"

They did, and the line was shortened again. At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not enough meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country from the fascist German intruder leave?"

Once again, the line was considerably shortened. At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not enough! Would all those who did not participate in the liberation of our people from the terrors of the Czar leave!" This included just about everybody.

Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again. The only people left in line were three half frozen old men. He told them, "There isn't any meat." The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves "Those Jews get the best of everything!!"

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
22-Aug-2008
11:09:35 AM
Ohh, those Russians!
There is nothing quite like being jerked around by a good beef story is there Mr hero? unless it is having a good time with fellow climbers at a retreat?


Sleepless Nights...

Some climbers went to a climbers retreat in the Blue Mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with the sport climber because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night the boulderer slept in the same room as the sport climber and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Mate, what happened to you?"
He said, "The sport climber snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the trad climbers turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Mate, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Gees, that sport climber shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was the free soloists turn. He was a big burly ex-Nati-Rams football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Mate, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked the sport climber into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."
simey
22-Aug-2008
11:51:19 AM
So the aid-climber didn't even get invited on the trip?

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
22-Aug-2008
12:02:53 PM
On 22/08/2008 Mr simey wrote:
>So the aid-climber didn't even get invited on the trip?

That's why the others were there, you poor confused man! Take a hard knock in footie, or slip while cutting it up on the kitchen lino floor with Mr hero recently, did you?
Derek my M10 love was sub-renting the rooms to them while they learned the fine (and civilised), art of aid-climbing. I supplied the scones and cuppas at morning and afternoon tea times.

Love your new book dearie, and well done to Mr Tempest as well; though I am not sure Derek and I are young enough, based on time taken waiting for this one to come out, to be able to wait for your next update slect guide to Gramps. Then again, you are not getting any younger yourself so maybe things will balance out.
hero
24-Aug-2008
1:59:27 PM
I assure you MrsM10iswhereitsat, I was cutting it up on the floor alone, as always.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
29-Aug-2008
9:18:47 AM
On 24/08/2008 Mr hero wrote:
>I assure you MrsM10iswhereitsat, I was cutting it up on the floor alone,
>as always.

I am sorry Mr hero but I can’t help you with your loneliness problem. You shall have to go http://www.chockstone.org/Forum/Forum.asp?Action=DisplayTopic&ForumID=1&MessageID=19760&Replies=143&PagePos=0&Sort=Hits here for advice on that one, or maybe it is because you have an awkward style that needs plenty of space?


What were you cutting up? You weren’t making turtle jerky by any chance were you?




Fencepost Turtles


A 48-ish year old trad climber was in Horsham hospital getting stitched up. He had been cut by a rock that was dislodged by a gym climber, who was part of another climbing-party who were waiting at an Arapiles high belay. The rural doctor started up a conversation with the old man and pretty soon the topic got around to gym climbers and their presence at Arapiles.

"Well, ya know," drawled the old Nati tradster, "gym climbers when they are outdoors are what we call fencepost turtles."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old climber said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old climber saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill let him go up there in the first place!"
hero
29-Aug-2008
12:50:31 PM
The day I ask Simey for advice is the day Satan says, "did it just get cold in here."

Your turtle joke is funny. Reminded me of this one.
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"

"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee.

Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You are a consultant," says the shepherd.

"This is correct," says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog.
hero
29-Aug-2008
12:53:57 PM
Oh, and I can't resist this one:

This guy is on a tour of the state prison with the warden. They walk into the lunchroom and see the following:

A prisoner stands up. He says, "142!"

Everyone laughs hysterically.

Another prisoner stands up. He is giggling, but manages to blurt out, "884."

The place rocks with laughter.

The tourist can't figure out what's going on. He asks the warden.

"Well, you see, these guys are all here for life sentences. They've heard every joke a million times. So, instead of retelling the jokes, they just call out the number."

"Wow," the tourist says, "Can I try that?"

The warden is dubious, but says, "sure."

"191," cries the tourist. The place is dead quiet. Like a tomb.

Humiliated, the tourist turns to the warden and asks what he did wrong.

"It's the way you tell it," said the warden with a wry smile.

Capt_mulch
29-Aug-2008
1:04:08 PM
Victorian Beer Drinker

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pots of Carlton, please."
So the bartender brings him three pots and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in NSW and one in Queensland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Carltons too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
widewetandslippery
29-Aug-2008
1:08:27 PM
Bloke walks into a bar and asks the barmaid "can I smell your c--t?"

She reaches across the bar and smacks him in the face.

He replies "sorry must be your feet".

ajfclark
29-Aug-2008
1:33:28 PM
On 29/08/2008 hero wrote:
>"Wow," the tourist says, "Can I try that?"
>
>The warden is dubious, but says, "sure."

"191,867" cries the tourist. The place is erupts in laughter and the tourist hears a prisoner say "No one's told that one before".

wallwombat
30-Aug-2008
5:00:57 PM
I know it's not Friday but...


I'm sure a few of you are familiar with the Big Merino in Goulburn, NSW.



Well, this morning I was fueling up at the service station behind it and got to view the big fella from a whole new angle.



I think that's pretty funny.

Capt_mulch
31-Aug-2008
6:51:01 AM
Wallwombat always did like a good crack.

Capt_mulch
31-Aug-2008
6:55:53 AM
>
>U part kiwi or sumthin?

Kachang! Got him in one!! But then, I am too. Thet's a fentestic photo bro Wallwombat - though I do prefer the females, and closer to a cliff.

Capt_mulch
31-Aug-2008
7:26:37 AM
And, seeing as it's raining all the way from Werribee Gorge to the Bluies, I'll provide some entertainment for a rainy Sunday.

There was an Aussie climber who'd been dirt bagging around NZ for a few months (which is hard in NZ, as the locals dirt bag as a matter of course, not just when on climbing trips), and was running out of cash. Seeing as he'd done some shearing when living near Horsham, he decided to pick up a bit of work on a shearing team in Wairarapa.

The first day of shearing was going well, and the Aussie needed to go outside to relieve himself. He went around the back of the shearing shed, only to spot another shearer going hell for leather with a sheep. "Hey!", yelled the climber, "you're meant to be shearing!". "Shearing?", said the kiwi shearer, "I'm not shearing this cutie with anyone!".

anthonyk
31-Aug-2008
11:18:21 AM
that sheeps crack is just waiting for a first ascent

Capt_mulch
31-Aug-2008
11:28:19 AM
Looks like there's a really good placement for a #4 Camalot at that horizontal break...

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
5-Sep-2008
9:58:55 AM
Hello dearies. It was a pity to read about the nasty accident that happened at Arapiles earlier this week wasn't it? Mind you take care out there this weekend dearies, and if you are Irish then please remember to take your lovely new guidebook with you, so you know how to spell in a crisis.





>"It's the way you tell it,"

Paddy and The Ambulance.




Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's fallen off a climb at Arapiles.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick please, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken'.

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'At the bottom of a climb called Morfydd'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Panting!

After a bit longer:

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Heavy breathing.

A minute later:-

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'

This goes on for a while longer until:-

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy 'Yes, Oim sorry about that. I just dragged him round to Alis !'.



IdratherbeclimbingM9
5-Sep-2008
12:21:17 PM
>take your lovely new guidebook with you, so you know how to spell in a crisis

... but don't use ES's as it could be incomplete?

Have you been to Africa Mrs M10? ~> going by your comments on another thread today, you will probably appreciate this joke.

~ ~ ~

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story....

Bullsh!t and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!


~ ~ ~
Post edit:

On 31/08/2008 Capt_mulch wrote:
>>
>>U part kiwi or sumthin?
>
>Kachang! Got him in one!! But then, I am too. Thet's a fentestic photo
>bro Wallwombat - though I do prefer the females, and closer to a cliff.

wallwombat prefers them young, as he wrote on 19/04/2008:

>So I'm on the lamb,

(snip; ~ in relation to parkour assassins possibly trying to hack Chockstone?)

Heh, heh, heh.




MrsM10iswhereitsat.
12-Sep-2008
9:14:37 AM
On 5/09/2008 IdratherbeclimbingM9 wrote:
>Have you been to Africa Mrs M10? ~> going by your comments on another
>thread today, you will probably appreciate this joke.

No and yes in that order dearie.



On 9/09/2008 howzithanging? wrote on another thread:
>what is going on with the fenced off are at araps, decleration crag, is
>someone going to call the rock police if i climb here. what about if i
>promise to clean off my shoes?
>i can remember reading the sign months ago, trying to stop spme kind of
>weed?

Ahh young Mr howzithanging?, Derek my M10 love reckons that you have much to learn about the difference between bureaucracy and diplomacy. He said if I post the following joke it might help.



Weeds.

A Victorian Government representative stops at a Natimuk farm and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer that he needs to inspect his farm for any noxious weeds.

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that paddock over there’.

The Gov. representative says, 'Mister, I have the full authority of the Victorian Government with me. See this card?
This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees the Gov. rep. running for his life, and close behind is the farmer's bull.

The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


'Your card! Show him your card!


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