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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

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Author
Friday Funnies

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
19-Sep-2008
9:56:19 AM
Hello dearies. Wasn't that an awful incident yesterday (refer Off topic - rally for bicycle safety in CBD; Rally at the corner of Bourke and Swanston from 5.15, following today's tragic death).
No disrespect intended, but I thought maybe we could use some fun bicycle humour for todays theme to get us in the mood for the weekend.
By the way, I also thought the rally was a success.





How to teach the Natives to speak English?


A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission In the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads and be darn careful when riding someone else's bicycle.

daave
19-Sep-2008
3:25:20 PM
Two blokes are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.

The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"

The first bloke says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit."

So the one in the back has had enought. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.

Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend.

"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!"

dreamingof8a
19-Sep-2008
4:55:38 PM


THIS IS INCREDIBLE .................. READ IT WHEN YOU HAVE A SECOND



In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming bullsh1t stories.





MrsM10iswhereitsat.
19-Sep-2008
5:13:48 PM
On 19/09/2008 dreamingof8a wrote:
>
>
>THIS IS INCREDIBLE .................. READ IT WHEN YOU HAVE A SECOND
>

Im sorry dear Mr dreamingof8a but that joke has already
http://www.chockstone.org/Forum/Forum.asp?ForumID=1&Action=Display&MessageID=58586&PagePos=&Sort=
been used a while ago.
We would be pleased to accept another offer, though I am not sure Mr Peter and his son Cameron would agree.
Have a lovely weekend possum!

Phil Box
20-Sep-2008
9:44:16 AM
Two drums and a cymbal fell over a cliff.

Baboom, tish.



Yes I know, a dad joke but someone has to tell them. Funny thing was that a kid told me that joke.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
26-Sep-2008
4:21:31 PM
On another thread young Mr sabu wrote on 25/09/2008;
>I will NEVER get tired of the classic chocky shit slinging!

This got me to thinking about some conversations I have had with Derek my M10 love.




(When the fights started).




Derek my M10 love told me about a Sydney sports climber mate of his who after retiring, went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So he opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'


And then the fight started.....


********************************************************************************

At another time Derek and I were sitting at a table at his high school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked Derek, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' he sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started.....


********************************************************************************
It is not all a one sided thing, this making of silly mistakes though, as this mornings incident attests.



Derek my M10 love rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there he was alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

Derek later said to me, “You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!”

He stormed over to Dereks’ car, looked up at Derek, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, Derek (full bottle that he is!), looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”


And then the fight started... .


..............................................................................
- and alas Derek my M10 love is sometimes not the sharpest tool in the shed, as this incident the other day shows.



I was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror, and not happy with what I was seeing. So I say to Derek, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

Derek then says to me, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then.....




Capt_mulch
26-Sep-2008
5:02:03 PM
I heard that MrsM10iswhereitsat and Derek her M10 love were at the Royal Easter Show. They walked past a prize bull that had its "coupling" stats for the year up on an information board. "Look at this Derek", said MrsM10iswhereitsat "this bull has had sex 452 times this year", looking at Derek with an encouraging gleam in her eye. "Yaaaars", said Derek "but I bet he hasn't been rooting the same old cow".

And then the fight started...

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
17-Oct-2008
2:46:35 PM
Very good Mr Capt_mulch. I am now sure it was you I saw that weekend at the Royal Easter Show Shearing Contest, holding on very tightly to a frisky young ewe, and "not shearing the cutie with anyone!"
You don’t have a mortgage on a holiday house in Wairarapa by any chance do you?

It is not exactly funny what is happening in the financial institutions with mortgages at the moment, but I understand it has been going on for some time.
Perhaps a lot longer than most of us think, if this snippet of information that Derek my M10 love tripped over is accurate.

Quote of the Week
>”I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”
>Thomas Jefferson 1802

It is a good thing we don’t have mortgages on our climbing equipment isn’t it possums?









Shopping Scam.


Mr Capt_mulch warned me about a shopping scam that happened to him at Coles the other day, and since it is so serious I thought I would share it with the wider audience.

I understand that this happens at Woolworths too, so don't desert Coles just yet.

A heads-up for those who may be regular Coles customers.

Over the last month or so he became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls came over to his car as he was packing his shopping into the Go Anywhere Getz. They both started wiping his windshield with a cloth and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It was impossible for Mr Capt_mulch not to look. When he thanked them and offered them a tip, they said 'No' and instead asked him for a ride to McDonalds. He agreed and they got in the backseat. On the way, they started undressing. Then one of them climbed over into the front seat and started crawling all over him, while the other one stole his wallet.

He had his wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.

Also September 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

p.s. Mr Capt_mulch also tells me that Coles have wallets on sale for $4.95 each.



latheboy
17-Oct-2008
3:15:58 PM
On 20/09/2008 Phil Box wrote:
>Two drums and a cymbal fell over a cliff.
>
>Baboom, tish.
>
>
>
>
http://www.instantrimshot.com/

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
24-Oct-2008
4:42:53 PM
With the recent teetering-on-the-edge-of-total-economic-and-financial-meltdown in the last few weeks it seems economic systems and their workings have pushed their way into the need-to-know-category.


Well, thanks to a friend from rural Ireland we can now simplify this all down to what makes sense and explain 21 economic models with cows. It is remarkable how much sense it all makes from this real world perspective.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image
called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh#t out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive..


MrsM10iswhereitsat.
24-Oct-2008
6:38:23 PM
Hello again dearies.
Derek my M10 love asked me if anyone in the Chockstone village has been up to any monkey business lately. I replied that I was unsure of what he meant and this was his response.





Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and
announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The
villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
forest, and started catching them.


The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they
became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.


The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed
the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But
soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch,
so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey
catching.


The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so
sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.


The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he
had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his
behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these
monkeys that the man has bought, in the big cage. I will sell them to you at
$35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him
for $50 each.'


The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They
never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys
everywhere.



Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.



MrsM10iswhereitsat.
31-Oct-2008
10:23:25 AM
Derek my M10 love often tries to wind me up about being blonde, but due to some Irish blood mingled in his veins I am not too worried by his comments.
Here is a good example.











Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.



A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.


Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.


The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.



She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 6.25 metres.



Then, she walked off.



Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length'.





hero
31-Oct-2008
12:56:23 PM
Rocket launches from houston to Mars with two monkeys and a sport climber on board.

Houston radios the first monkey and say"adjust oxygen 20%,stop radar and phase to warp factor 3."Monkey 1 replies "ok roger that."

Houston then radios second monkey"switch off engine 3,start radiation shield and adjust anti-gravitational throttle."Monkey 2 replies roger that."

Houston then calls the sport climber "feed the monkeys and don't f---ing touch a thing!"
Bob Saki
31-Oct-2008
1:15:34 PM
(a bit risque but in no way meant to offend)

Man in a bar,

Looks to his left and double takes, the guy across form him looks like Hitler.

He drinks some more but curiosity gets the better of him.

He walks up to the guy and says, "mate you look just like Hitler" the man replies, "I am" the other guy says "I thought you were dead?"

Hitler says "I very much alive and planning WW3" the guy goes on ask "what's the plan this time"

Hitler says "I'm going to exterminate all clowns and The Jews" The drinker says "What did the clowns do?"

Hitler looks up at him and says "you've proven my point, no gives a carp about the Jews"

hero
31-Oct-2008
1:29:51 PM
Bob, laughing too much when you typed the punchline?

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
31-Oct-2008
1:37:19 PM
On 31/10/2008 hero wrote:
>Bob, laughing too much when you typed the punchline?

You did not get it then Mr hero?
Bob Saki
31-Oct-2008
1:39:51 PM
eh? No I was laughing way too much at your joke dude, I'm hoping I could book you for my office Christmas Party
boetie
31-Oct-2008
4:17:25 PM
The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker?

A pigeon can still put a deposit on a new ferrari.
hero
31-Oct-2008
4:36:21 PM
Relax Bob. I liked the joke. It just took me a while to descipher the "no gives a carp"

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
7-Nov-2008
2:02:20 PM
>"no gives a carp"
*giggle*
I shall have to remember that line to use at a later date.



Derek my M10 love reckons a sport climber must have trained Spot, but I will leave it up to the reader to decide.




See Spot Talk...

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars", says the owner.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."


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