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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

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Author
Friday Funnies

ajfclark
3-Jul-2009
10:44:46 PM
Ahhh Sinfest...:

bluey
10-Jul-2009
10:16:11 AM
The inflatable boy went to the inflatable school with a pin. He is called into the headmaster's office who says "You've let yourself down, you've let your friends down and you've let down the whole school...."




I love that joke. And it's clean!

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
10-Jul-2009
1:31:29 PM
On 10/07/2009 Ms bluey wrote:
>I love that joke. And it's clean!

Good for you Ms bluey, as there is so much dirtyness in the world isn't there dearie!
In fact it often seems to me that it is about as certain in life as death, taxes, and having to clean house!
Derek my M10 love tells me that the world would be a very boring place without a bit of dirt; but between you and me girlie, I assure you that I could do without the excitement of house cleaning, and would rather be bored by climbing instead! I must admit though, that it does my mind good to have a nice hot cuppa and feel happy about my surroundings after I have finished, especially if Derek gives a hand instead of finding unusual happenings like the news report below.






THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door in Melbourne and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left...

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie... Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Horsham."

"Really", she said. "I have family near there, in Natimuk .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your $15,000 inheritance in person."


MrsM10iswhereitsat.
10-Jul-2009
4:52:22 PM
Hello again lovely Chockstoners.
Derek my M10 love was giggling over at the 'puter desk a moment ago, so I asked him what was so funny. He told me he was catching up on Chockstone and a number of recent threads reminded him of another recent event he heard about, that he wants me to share with you.




God's Busy.


A well known climber, who also excelled on climbing forum internet sites, was attending some university lectures between putting up new routes. He had put up routes in all conditions in many places in Australia, especially in Victoria and NSW, and had also put up routes in far flung locations overseas. He was a veritable master of all facets of the sport. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and liked to promote the fact.

One day the professor shocked the class. When he came in he looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly fifteen minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting. Should I order in a bivy bag?' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the climber got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and thumped him a beauty, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The burly climber went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the climber and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The climber calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting online guide book authors, and others who write the real guide books, and by doing so are enshrining your right to say stupid stuff, act like an idiot, and claim all sorts of nonsense. So, He sent me.'

And all the climbers when they heard about this (or read it online); said AMEN, because if you don't know God, then it doesn't pay to make stupid remarks!



MrsM10iswhereitsat.
17-Jul-2009
9:45:24 AM
Hello lovely Chockstoners. How are you all this beautiful day? I hope you are not under any financial stress, but then again the weekend is coming up and many of us can escape to warmer climbs if we are chilled by the financial institutions. Derek my M10 love has been keeping an eye on the Regional Papers lately and has come up with a couple of more interesting articles to distract us from the usual trivial sensationalistic journo stuff like another silly tourist getting lost (for profit ?), in the Blueys. For those that want their day brightened up, I will pass them on.




How to do business in hard times.


It is the month of July; a small climbing town sits near to the ancient ramparts of a proud escarpment. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.
It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Quite suddenly, a rich tourist turns up in town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a $100 note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel (drago-, no, no, mustn't say that), proprietor takes the $100 note and runs to pay her debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the $100 note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the $100 note and runs to pay his debt to the town's (golden hai-, no, no, mustn't say that), prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the $100 note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his $100 note after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism, and that, my dears, is how the world economy is doing business today.







Little Simon Strikes Again!


In a small country town primary school, a teacher asks her pupils to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Greg put up his hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good Greg, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'."
Wendy raised her hand.
She said, "My family went to see the Tower Of London and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Wendy, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'."
Little Simon raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Simon before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Simon said, "My aunt Jacqui has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
widewetandslippery
17-Jul-2009
11:04:50 AM
MrsM10 both the above are brilliant. The first I have heard before. My gripe with the logic is do you really think (A) The bitch would handle her debt first (B) do you think she would give the money back when the room was reneged?

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
17-Jul-2009
2:17:06 PM
Ah Mr widewetandslippery such deep and meaningless questions you ask! I am fairly sure that Mr nmonteith will agree with me, that it is a matter of having the right system in place and not usurping the idle dollar lying around. You must go back much further to find the answers to your questions. Perhaps you will find them in this anecdote?



WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?


Aboriginal Elder 'Two Emus' was asked by a white Aust. government official,
“You are exceptionally old for your race, and have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.”

The Aboriginal Elder nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Aboriginal Elder stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
“When white man find land, Aboriginals running it; no taxes, no debt, plenty kangaroo, plenty koala and goanna, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Aboriginal man spends all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.”

Then the Aboriginal Elder leaned back and smiled. “Only white men dumb enough to think they could improve system like that.”








If you are still looking for financial advice after pondering that scenario, then consider this.
It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
Derek my M10 love reckons that I am wrong. He says it is much simpler than that. He tells me that it is like the difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

widewetandslippery
17-Jul-2009
2:22:11 PM
And your going to explain that to a red haired female publican from Queensland?

like the pope joke
hero
17-Jul-2009
2:52:36 PM
the pope is a joke

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
24-Jul-2009
11:46:37 AM
Mr widewetandslippery wrote;
>And your going to explain that to a red haired female publican from Queensland?

No dearie. I would have no chance, as the following snippit demonstrates.



Naked Boulderer.

A Police Officer in a small town in Queensland walks out in the street and sees a blond haired boulderer coming toward him with nothing on but his boulderer beanie, his climbing shoes and his chalk bag. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The boulderer says, 'Well it's like this Police Officer ....

I was in this pub down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her car with her. So I did.
We got inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...
So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my undies... So I did.

Then she looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town boulderer.. '

'And here I am.'


Son of a Bolt Gun. Blonde Men do exist.










Yoohoo Mr hero! You don't like religious jokes?
Perhaps humour closer to your locale brightens you up?
Sorry but perhaps you will enjoy the following as it is much more down to earth. It should please Mr dmnz and Mr Phil Box from a few pages ago too, but I doubt they are farmers like this one.




Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway near a famous Queensland climbing destination.
But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a week!

So one day Farmer John called the Police Station and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the Police Officer.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said:

SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later Farmer John called the Police Officer and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the Police Officer sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY


That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the Police Officer, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The Police Officer told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.


The Police Officer got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Police Officer and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The Police Officer was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the Police Officer drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:


CLIMBERS NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!!


Phil Box
24-Jul-2009
7:40:38 PM
Ahh, very good M10's missus.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
31-Jul-2009
11:30:39 AM
Hello Chockstone lovelies. How are we all today? Looking forward to getting away on the weekend are we, or are we shackled like Mr hero seems to be fond of? Have you been getting out lately Mr hero? Bouldering perhaps dearie? My M10 love Derek tells me, that the day he thinks those shackle things are good things, is the day that he should be getting out and climbing more, and I agree with him.









Greg the boulderer was attending his local Bouldering Club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Grampians trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.

After copping the under the thumb remarks, and other derisive remarks, Greg left to go back home to the missus.

When Greg's mates started arriving to set up camp in the Grampians the following week, who should be there but Greg, sitting up in front of the campsite, swag rolled out, chalkbag in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Greg?"

"I didn't have to," was Greg's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, shackle me to the bed, and you can do what ever you want'."

"So here I am!"

wallwombat
31-Jul-2009
2:04:15 PM
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave
because he is so popular..

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southend and
Basildon , stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide
him with a new Ford every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van
to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and
holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help, and he said, 'Fuk him'.




evanbb
31-Jul-2009
2:16:29 PM
Thanks to you both. I was just sitting here thinking "God let this day be over", and friday funnies was updated. I'm so bored I've been fantasizing about training on my woddy at home! It's in the garage and good for about 3 moves before you hit the roof.



Just thought of a goodun. Heard on the radio yesterday and shamelessly plagiarised here.

There's a small family living in Victoria. Couple of young kids, live on a suburban block, with a vacant block next door. One day a building crew moves in and starts building a house. The 3 year old girl finds this very interesting, and starts hanging around the builders, asking questions and generally being endearing. The workmen take a shine to her, and give her little jobs to do, make her part of the team. At the end of the week the workers make a big deal of it, and present her with a pay packet! She takes her 50c to show her mum, who makes all the appropriate noises and recommends opening a bank account.

They toddle off to the bank, and the teller realises the significance right away. "So, you're a wage earner now? How did you earn this pay packet?"

"I'm building a house." the little girl proudly relates.

"That's fantastic. And will you be building a house next week?"

"I will if the fukking bricks turn up"

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
31-Jul-2009
3:32:45 PM
>I was just sitting here thinking "God let this day be over"
Yoohoo, Mr evanbb, I see that you are a man of God from your comment, and this has reminded me of a lovely letter that Dereks elderly mum sent him recently. Perhaps you will enjoy it too.







Dear Derek,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly fiesty that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the fellow behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Geelong back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another bloke waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked young Evan who was my teenage passenger in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

Evan burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Love,
Mum.

hero
31-Jul-2009
3:38:52 PM
Sometime in the future...

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'MrsM10'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'MrsM10', that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, MrsM10', would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
31-Jul-2009
3:56:45 PM
Teeheeheeheegiggle. Oh, I did like that one Mr hero. Thank you. It is good to have a chuckle isn't it dearie. If ever the need arises some time in the future, I do hope you remember the wisdom I once posted to you a little while back of;
Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel, and hopefully may reciprocate in kind? Between us we shan't have many enemies shall we possum!

foreverabumbly
2-Aug-2009
5:51:35 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9U0tDU37q2M&feature=rec-HM-r2

I thought this was quite good

wallwombat
7-Aug-2009
12:26:32 PM
Check out the names of the websites below.

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend enough time considering how their online names might appear... and be misread. These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com/

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net <http://www.penisland.net/>

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com <http://www.therapistfinder.com/>

5 . There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com <http://www.powergenitalia.com/>

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com <http://www.molestationnursery.com/>

7. If you're looking for your own IP, there's always www.ipanywhere.com < http://www.ipanywhere.com/>

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com <http://www.cummingfirst.com/>

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site: www.speedofart.com < http://www.speedofart.com/>

PDRM
7-Aug-2009
1:32:58 PM
On 7/08/2009 wallwombat wrote:
>Check out the names of the websites below.
>
>All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend enough time considering
>how their online names might appear... and be misread. These are not made
>up. Check them out yourself!

I've always liked the luggage shop at melbourne domestic airport: Carrion, what's not to like about rotting meat

Then there's the static rope presumably for professionals marketed by edelrid: Prostatic... http://www.edelrid.de/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=249&Itemid=342

.M

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