A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realiSes the boy has aspirated the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
On 6/08/2010 TonyB wrote:
>Having a child is the most incredible experience you will ever have.
Adam Hills recently said something along the lines of "Parents are like iPhone owners, they bang on about how awesome they are and you think what a load of ... but then you get one and you have to admit it does some pretty cool stuff"
A stockman named Bluey was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in NSW when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a fancy suit, Gucci shoes, Prada sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bluey looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not."
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the stockman and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bluey.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bluey says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not."
"You're a senator in Julia Gillard's Labor Government", says Bluey. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep... now give me back my dog".
Hello Chockerstone lovelies. Hasn’t it been an interesting time lately on this lovely site.
Dearie me, talk about an unexpected election outcome, will Chockerstone ever get over the scandal of a Moderator joining the ranks of the opposition?
Mr stugang putting his hand up (where?) to get elected was also a bit of a shock to Derek my M10 love. He says he was also disappointed to be pipped at the post, during the Chockerstone Moderator election process, though he is not surprised about Mr simey being wasted early in that process. He reckons those two going for that job and Mr stugangs ultimate election reminds him of the following story for some reason or other.
Once a long while ago, there was a shipload of boulderers travelling on an overseas cruise to far off New Zealand to attend the fabled Castle Hill bouldering area.
Unfortunately the ship sank in rough seas, but the boulderers were a stout lot and most survived the sinking but were hoping for a swift rescue, as there is a time limit to even a boulderers endurance when treading water.
Suddenly two Great White Sharks appeared.
One was the father of the younger, and was still in the process of educating him in the wiles of sea-shark-ship.
He said to his son,
“First we circle them with the tip of our dorsal fin showing.”
This they did.
“Next we circle them again, with the whole of our dorsal fin showing, as well as a good part of our tail fin.”
The son shark asked,
“Why are we doing this, instead of just eating them?”
The father shark replied,
“They taste better when they are not full of shit!”