On 28/04/2013 Mr hero wrote:
>Oh MrsM10, I first heard that joke from a Tyrannosaurus called Reg. think you're slipping.
It is OK Mr hero. While I am in the gutter I will help you up, unless also, I have Derek my M10 love in need of same, as I can only do so much at a time dearie.
This of course should be a salient life lesson to any who would post on this lovely site, as being a public forum one never knows what deviants may be reading it.
Mr ODH are you paying attention? You might like the following joke Derek told me earlier this week?
First-year students at the Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,
'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example'; he said as he pulled back the sheet and stuck his finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
'The second most important quality is observation.'
'I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'
'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
On 3/05/2013 MrsM10iswhereitsat. wrote:
>On 28/04/2013 Mr hero wrote:
>>Oh MrsM10, I first heard that joke from a Tyrannosaurus called Reg. think
>It is OK Mr hero. While I am in the gutter I will help you up, unless
>also, I have Derek my M10 love in need of same, as I can only do so much
>at a time dearie.
>This of course should be a salient life lesson to any who would post on
>this lovely site, as being a public forum one never knows what deviants
>may be reading it.
>Mr ODH are you paying attention? You might like the following joke Derek
>told me earlier this week?
and Derek must have got that one from Reg's cousin.
Dearie me Mr kieranl, you do seem out of sorts lately.
That's alright dearie, along with the pacemakers, most of the old posters that frequent this site suffer from incontinence and have Alzheimer’s to boot. So five minutes after they've gotten all angry and agitated, they don't remember what they had the poops about in the first place.
Perhaps you might like the following funny better?
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your Blue Mountains house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob .."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob ."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your sportclimbers stick-clipper, the one with the graphite shaft."
VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that stick-clipper, you're in deep shit."
I think that one has been done before Mr tnd, but don't worry dearie, as it was quite a while ago and some folk may not have seen it.
On the topic of people seeming to be out of sorts lately. Mr Kieranl are you paying attention? Derek my M10 love tells me that you might be interested in the following therapy.
The Hypnotist therapy.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was
even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife,
She's not my wife,
She's not my wife"
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
He also suggested to me that if it doesn't work, you might like to try remembering the salient lesson in the following, as a litmus test.
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
The elderly lady hung her head, I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind a few years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'
Mrs M10, your concern for my well-being is touching if unnecessary. However Derek, despite having, I'm sure, many admirable qualities is sadly mistaken as to what I might find interesting.
Still, one good thought deserves another so here's a little something I heard last week.
The barman says "We don't serve time-travellers here."
A sports climber was driving up a mountain road when a female traddy came flying around a corner on the wrong side of the road, almost collecting the sports climber. As she sailed past she lent out the window and yelled "pig!!!".
The sports climber stuck his own head out the window and yelled "bitch!!", then promptly ran into a pig.
Thought I'd get the first FF in for once. Still alive over here. May be moving back at the end of the year - Far North Coast (NSW) dreaming....
MrsM10 didn't make a showing last week. Maybe she is off her food or Derek is being needy. Hope you feel better soon MrsM10 and here's a little something that you might relate to.
I heard this story on ABC radio as I was driving home from Ballarat a couple of weeks ago. It was told by a woman as part of an oral history project in Gippsland . It went something like this :
“When I was a child I lived in Inverloch during the war years. In the summer we used to love climbing into the large trees near the beach on hot days.
One day we were lying in the branches high in a tree when a sailor and young woman came along and sat under the tree. They started hugging and kissing and this carried on for a while.
After a bit she lay down and he lay on top of her and they kissed some more. Then he began gyrating on top of her and making odd sounds. All this time she was lying there with her eyes open, looking straight up at us in the tree.
After a while the gyrating stopped and they rearranged their clothes and walked off. The thing was, the young woman was my Sunday-school teacher. I was so excited, looking forward to the next Sunday so we could talk about it in Sunday school class.”
Hello lovely Chockstoners, and special greetings to you Mr kieranl for thinking of me and my M10 love Derek. By the way, how did you know that I liked to climb trees in my youth, and used to go to Sunday School classes?
Nevermind, I saw your point about keeping quiet on some issues, which can be hard for those who are born again, all of which reminds me of the following;
A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.
The doctor asks, "What's the problem?"
"Doc, I don't know what to do. Every day my wife loses her temper for no reason, and it scares me."
The doc says: "I have a cure. When your wife's getting angry, take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later the man is back, looking fresh and reborn.
"Doc, that was brilliant! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
Doc says, "The water does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Men can be like that you know dearie. Sometimes they don't even know they are offensive in their casual attitudes (includes racism), and replies. Take the wonderful example (and funny too!), by Mr Capt_mulch at top of page, or this example I came across the other day while I was out shopping.
The young woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
(If you did not get the gist from that then perhaps the following will be clearer?)
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lighting. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'
For a moment, there was silence, Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stood up in the rear of the plane. He was tall, handsome, well built, with curly blond hair and muscles honed from push bike riding, surfing and bouldering. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
Then he spoke, "Iron this -- and get me a beer...."
(Most women on the other hand are much more subtle, but I am sure that an experienced man of your bearing would have noticed that by now, however if you want an example, Derek tells me that this is a good one, but I think he might have told us about it before.)
Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see...
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car, please.
The woman opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and retrieves it out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner...
Woman: Bet you the lying son-of-a-bitch told you I was speeding, too.
Completely off topic (sorry Mrs M10, and others expecting a funny), but I have noticed an interesting phenomena regarding the readership of this Friday Funnies thread...
A typical log-in rate per day for Chockstone in total is anywhere between 250 and 300, yet the typical 'hits' on this thread after any/something is posted on it, is a minimum of 500+, and sometimes can go into the 1,000+ range.
The 500+ range can occur as quickly as an hour after a post is made...
Does this mean that people have created links back to this site, and the network has grown over time, or does it mean that there are heaps of lurkers on this site, or less likely, the logged in users view the site more than once?
I doubt any other registered users other than ajf would be interested in this queer statistic! ;-)
Heh, heh, heh.