Chockstone Forum - General Discussion
General Climbing Discussion
I can’t take the lying anymore, here is a full and clear explanation of who Damietta is……………….in verse
The Sad Ballad of Cameron O’Neill
This story revolves ‘round a sad shattered soul
Who once was young, happy and keen
The lad’s name was Cam and he held in his hands
A crimp strength this world hadn’t seen
Tiny edges he’d seize with consummate ease
And on this he rested his hopes
For Cam knew he was lame in the hard climbing game
He was crap at pulling on slopes
The supporting crew were a dastardly two
Damo and one called The Gimp
He was A.I.S. trained and had a warped brain
But he climbed like a drug boosted chimp
And Cam could abide these fools for a while
For they had the best woody in sight
So he crimped while they sloped and all of them joked
“What a team we make while we unite”
To learn the art faster Cam needed a master
And to be nurtured and patiently led
His unlucky day, it wasn’t that way
He got Fantini instead
Point Perp was the scene and the tide turned mean
And Fants’ drove Cam on with a whip
And the sea was enraged waves battered and sprayed
And the dervish cried out “one more pitch”
John sat on belay, set his cold steely gaze
On the southerly storm rolling through
While Cam down below was in a hell of his own
Of stuck gear and crap rock and hard moves
To keep it together in the worsening weather
He wished a smile and a nod of the head
But Fants’ shouted down through fixed hardman frown
“IF IT WERE THE MOUNTAINS, BY NOW YOU’D BE DEAD!”
And Cam never recovered from the trauma he suffered
On that fateful and terrible date
He figured “Oh well, hard trad climbing’s hell”
“But I can count on my woodying mates”
It was true in a way for that very same day
The lads hatched a fiendish plan
To alter each hold, three hundred all told
With the sole aim of bringing down Cam
In the cold dead of night lurked a terrible sight
Once good edges were whittled and ground
And when the sad sun shone on the woody again
The holds were all slopey and round
And there sprouted huge blobs and strange pinchy knobs
The small crimps got frightened and fled
Without a single straight pull on the whole goddamn wall
It was time to climb funky instead
Cam ran away, to the refuge they say
Of scoundrels and crimp fiends alike
And did very well pulling like hell
On granite edges and sharp flakes and dykes
Now those who can do and those who can’t heckle
But one taunt from below held some fact
No matter your charm or the strength in your arm
“You don’t pull chicks climbing slabs!”
And the climbs on the woody just weren’t like they should be
But all kneebar and heelhook and scum
And the cream of the crop went from heeltoe kneedrop
To an undercling smear with the thumb!
Cam cried out in shock “You don’t do that on rock!”
But the fiends just giggled “You’re gay!”
“You can’t do it, you suck and you’re shit out of luck”
“The whole bloody wall climbs that way!”
Cam knew it was time to draw out the line
And silence those insolent imps
To do it he knew he’d have to pull through
On some heinous and quiescent crimps
He bowed his head low when it came to his go
And he focused his ethereal eye
The line soon appeared, maybe V12 he feared
But felt sure he could send it first try
Despite a twinge from his finger, Cam pulled on a splinter
And mono’d a bolt hole or two
But when he rested his grip on a jagged paint chip
His tendon finally blew
Just one bridge left to burn and Cam knew where to turn
And sold his-shoul to Satan
No time for fine print he was signed up and sent
For digital reincarnation
The devil’s surgeon was searchin’ for a tendon to use
To replace the one that had popped
And Satan snickered “Naďve little dick’ead”
“You’ll pay through the arse for this job”
Later on in post-op Cam was in for a shock
He should have stuck with the busted finger
For the tendon they’d fleeced would most sorely be missed
‘Twas the drawstring from his sphincter
No one dared to belay the man who they named
‘The Deadly Dark Brown Sniper’
And you just can’t be seen in the bouldering scene
Parading an adult diaper
So Cam faded away and hides to this day
Just one jealous joy to him left
The guilty pleasure but harmless fun
Of online identity theft
Ah, we now do see!!
It reminds me of a little run-in that V and I had a little while back:
One day me and my brother V, we were bouldering down a dark lonesome gym
when all of a sudden there leaned a wise-ass employee in the middle of the gym
And he said:
"Climb the best route in the world, or I'll sandbag your souls"
So me and V, we looked at each other, and we each said "Okay"
So we sent the first thing that came to our heads, and it just so happened to be
The best climb in the world,
It was the hardest route in the world
Look into my rack and it's easy to see
the yellow cams are 2, the blue are 3
it was destiny
Once every hundred thousand moves or so,
when the chalk doth fly and sun gets low
then the rope doth flow!
Needless to say, the dude was stunned
Zip crack went his polarfleece vest
and the dude was done
he asked us: "Be ye lizards?"
and we said "Nay, we are but men"
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!
This is not the greatest climb in the world, no.
This is just a toprope.
Couldn't redpoint the greatest climb in the world, no, no.
this is a toprope, oh, of the greatest climb in the world,
All right! It was the greatest route in the world,
All right! It was the best muthatruckin' send, the harderst one in the world.
And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
the route we sent on that fateful night it didn't actually go
anything like this climb!
This is just a toprope, You gotta believe me!
And I wish you were there! Just a matter of opinion.
Ah, ! Good God, rock lovin,
So surprised to find a rotten slopper
All right! I'm pumped!
one day hero: that's the post of the year!
1dh, if that was in Rock, i'd buy it!
Nice work indeed
Yup, pretty much the best piece of writing I`ve seen for quite a while. Excellent work.
A fun read!
Very funny indeed
A privilege to be the subject of one of your short stories/poems Damo and an appropriate welcome back to the climbing scene! That's all for now until I come up with a witty comeback
Yours in crimpiness
Good one Damo.
A clean ascent-line indeed!
You should crosspost it to the Short Story Thread also, ... to make it easier to find in retro years, else it could turn into a ODH ?
Given the 'Important note please read' thread; it already has turned into an ODH !
You guys must have even more time on your hands than I do, thats a scarey thought! he he he
Should nevera rented that video .. Friday night entertain was waiting for me right here on Chockstone!!
There are 10 messages in this topic.
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