Hello lovely C'stoners. Has anyone noticed lately how costs of living are going up constantly? This has all sorts of (often unexpected), spinoff consequences.
Take this example as told to me by one of my book club friends recently.
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Ward, please".
Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible".
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's".
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time".
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?".
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!"
... or this one about my new black bra.
I recently had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels, and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When Derek my M10 love came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(wait for it. . .)
" What's for dinner, Zorro?" ... followed up by "How much did that getup cost you?"
Seriously though, raccoons are nasty [censored]ers. They're smart, dextrous and aggressive - my neighbour's cat regularly needs counseling from all the beatings it gets from raccoons that come in through the cat door.
Skunks are nasty [censored]ers too. I thought they'd smell like fart, but no - skunk odour is a really nasty chemically smell that I can best describe as a cross between burning rubber and asparagus urine smell.
On 25/10/2013 pmonks wrote:
>Seriously though, raccoons are nasty [censored]ers. They're smart, dextrous
>and aggressive - my neighbour's cat regularly needs counseling from all
>the beatings it gets from raccoons that come in through the cat door.
Any critter that beats up on cats is golden in my book. Our neighbor's cat keeps coming home with mortally injured birds, bluetongues etc - I'd love to get a pet bird of prey that was capable of bringing the neighborhood cats back to our place one at a time in a similar state.
>Skunks are nasty [censored]ers too. I thought they'd smell like fart,
>but no - skunk odour is a really nasty chemically smell that I can best
>describe as a cross between burning rubber and asparagus urine smell.
Really? I kind of like the smell of skunk... at least at that low-level you get when one has been hit somewhere on the highway. Mind you, while living in the US I nearly got sprayed once or twice when I surprised one on my bike late at night. If I'd got a face full I'm sure I'd like it less.
Saw this post from the parody Reddit forum ClimbingCircleJerk:
"When you're new to climbing, sometimes you get a little overexcited about meeting your climbing heroes. Once or twice, new climbers at my gym have, well, made a bit of a mess when Chris "The God" Sharma or Alex "Please Put Your Huge Biceps Around Me" Puccio drop by on their circuit. So, this is a story I sometimes tell the gumbies about the time I met one of my climbing heroes.
So, I'll preface this story by letting you know that I'm a serious business climber. Like, I climb 5.17d in my sleep. I'm that serious. Well, so about seven years ago I was involved in developing a new crag (you've probably never heard of it). Well, there was this one really cool-looking line that started in a cave, then rose up across a roof, and then right up a beautiful series of pockets. Pure climbing heaven.
Well, we bolted the line and got to working on it. We know it would be a hard one from the moment we first saw it, but damn, we didn't realize how hard it actually was. Day after day we worked it, but we made no progress.
Well, one morning, we arrive only to see this guy halfway up the line, maybe 15 meters up. He couldn't have given it much practice that morning, because it's just barely light out, and the sun wasn't even up. As we got closer, we could see that he was freesoloing it. Just running right up it.
Well, we watched him, totally amazed, as he went from two-finger pocket to pinch to 1 finger gaston, and finally tapped the anchor. Then he did the most amazing thing....he let go with his left hand, tapped something on his belt, and just....let go. Before we knew it, he had dropped all 30 meters to the ground and stood before us. He was covered in black spandex, and was wearing a black balaclava with what seemed almost to be ears. He just glared at us and, in a gravelly voice, said, "5.12d." My jaw just dropped. I was sure it was going to go at 5.14c or higher. This guy not only sent my project, but he downgraded it before I even got a chance to rate it. Total bullshit. I opened my mouth to ask him who he thought he was, but before I could finish my sentence, he growled, "I'm Batman." And then he clocked me one upside the head and ran off.
So, to this day, I tell this story to gumbies so they'll know that, no matter how cool they think it is to spot Chris Sharma at their gym, they'll know I'm cooler, because Batman sent my proj."