Hello again Chockerstone lovelies.
Yoo hoo Mr M9, as a kindred spirit you are more than welcome to the aid feedback.
I notice that you like the bikes with motors, so have found a couple of funnies for you too dearie.
A boulderer appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the boulderer offered.
'On a trip out the back of Horsham in Western Victoria, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I asked them very nicely to leave her alone, but the mongrels wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and slapped him on the face, kicked him on the bottom, knocked his bike over, pulled out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, 'Now, back off you bastards or I'll do the same to all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'A couple of minutes ago’, said the boulderer.
One day a man decided to retire.
He booked himself on a Pacific cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank about a year ago."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from another tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a whisky neat?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a motorbike as well?”
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new motorbike.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
After tying the other end to the rear of the farmer's bike, the chicken then rode slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the bike back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yes, you bet, there is a moral!)
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a motorbike to pick up chicks.
Yoo hoo Mr gnaguts, waving at you madly from over here dearie. Derek my M10 love tells me that it seems you were once a Nowra-ite, but even though you might have left he knows you will appreciate these funnies he told me, because he tells me you can take the bogan out of Nowra but can’t remove the Nowra out of the bogan, or something to that effect.
Please forgive him if you have heard some of them before.
A Nowra girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Nowra girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Nowra girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street, I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'
or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.”
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Nowra girl... "I just use their surnames"
A Nowra girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Nowra girl?
Q. What do you call a Nowra girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Nowra girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Nowra girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
Q. What's the most confusing day in Nowra ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Nowra ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Police cordoned off Nowra City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.