On 15/02/2013 jodestar wrote:
>:-) and your talents extend beyond guiding the young men of today to
>better appeal to women... I see you are also highly skilled at the art
>femme-erotic literature. 50 shades of Drummonds
post edit... fifty shades of simey
>>If you were at the Lactic Factory, who are you going to notice? Some
>>with try-hard tattoos and piercings grovelling around on some shitty
>>problem? Or some dude who strides in confidently wearing his Drummond
>>climbing sweater and carrying an ice-axe who immediately hacks his way
>>up the wall with real purpose?
>>I know who I would be watching. It even gets me aroused just thinking
On 15/02/2013 Mr simey wrote:
>Well that's why guys lacking confidence need my advice. And it starts with how they look and what they wear...
This is very true dearie, take it from me that us of the opposite sex notice these things, but be careful about any advice your mother may give you. Even Derek my M10 love tries occasionally to keep the standard up to the mark. In fact he was at the barber shop the other day and told me the following conversation he overheard.
The Wooden Ball.
An aging golden haired boulderer decides it is time to spruce himself up properly in the hope of improving his low scoring average, so he walks into a Horsham barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old boulderer tells the barber that that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
The Cattlemen's Association of Queensland were holding their big Triennial Conference, and had chosen to meet this time in the South-West, at the town of Thargomindah.
It was a big deal . . . and even bigger because they'd managed to get Prince Charles as Introductory Speaker.
Such a large number of Cattlemen came, that it was necessary to have an outdoor venue, right next to the Sales Yards.
Prince Charles mounted to the top of the highest loading ramp, and looked out over the sea of Akubras.
He began to speak about cattle and cattle-raising, about methane and Global Warming, about biodiversity and conservation.
The crowd was absolutely silent. Every eye was fixed on the Prince: or possibly on his hat, which was a peculiarly furry specimen, of russet hue, and with a foxtail hanging down at the rear and blowing this and that way in the breeze.
Much later, in the coolness of the local pub, Prince Charles was having a drink with the Organizing Committee.
"Rather surprised," said the Prince, "How well my speech went over. Was afraid it might have been a bit controversial in places. But at the end, there wasn't a single question from the audience. A pleasure to see everyone agreeing with me on these important topics."
"Well actually, Sir," said the Association President, "There was one question that a lot of the fellows were wondering about. They've delegated me to ask you about that very unusual hat you have. They've never seen anything like it before."
"My hat?" queried Prince Charles, "It is a rather special one, don't you think? Pure foxskin, presented to me by one of my Scottish tenants.
My mother thought it would suit the occasion.
You know, I have more than a hundred hats, and often it's difficult to select the one which is just right.
But my mother has an unerring judgement in these matters, and I find I can rely upon her to make an immediate decision as to which hat is the exactly right choice.
For my trip to Australia, I was quite undecided about what to wear, so I telephoned the Palace and spoke with her.
"Mother," I said, "Would you please advise me about what hat I should wear. I am flying out tomorrow, to address the Cattlemen's Conference at Thargomindah."
And you know, she answered me with hardly a moment's pause :
'Thargomindah? Wear the fox hat.”
On 15/02/2013 simey wrote:
>I've seen this ad before but I can't remember where. It's a gem. Pity
>you can't upload the photo to a larger size. Makes it hard to read the
>text which is definitely worth a read.
Hello Chockerstone lovelies.
Derek my M10 love has tired a bit lately of the ongoing bickering about bolts and stuff on this site interesting as that is, and has spent a lot more time at the pub than usual as a result.
He has been telling me all sorts of pub talk regarding that horrible shooting incident in South Africa. A lot of it is not politically correct, but if listened to in light hearted fashion (as I often have to do when Derek comes home pissed), it contains some humour and grains of truth too I suspect, so here are some of his ramblings repeated for others to chuckle at.
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like an abled bodied athlete, who would have thought he meant OJ Simpson?
Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
I’m struggling to find any of my usual porn.
Now when I google “f---ed African amputee” all I get is stories about Oscar Pistorius.
Apparently Oscar wanted to paint the bathroom door, but she was dead against it.
Well I guess we should count ourselves lucky Oscar Pistorius was competing in the men’s 400m at the Olympics, and not starting it.
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
Things aren’t that bad, for Oscar Pistorius.
He has the court’s best car parking space.
It’s hard not to envy Oscar Pistorius’s girlfriend.
I’ve never seen anyone receive so many flowers on valentines day.
What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
As well as losing his legs it seems Oscar Pistorius also lost the ability to shout…
“Hey Reeva is that you in the bathroom having a shit?”
Oscar Pistorius’ favourite band has always been ‘Bullet For My Valentine’
Oscar Pistorius has said he won’t be entering any further races.
I think he has to worry more about different races entering him, once he’s in prison.
And the Oscar goes to ......(drumroll)...... JAIL
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her ... it was the silence of the limbs.
Absolutely shocking news from South Africa ... White man arrested for murder.
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
Oscar Pistorius's legal defence? - he hasn't got a leg to stand on.
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.
What did Oscar Pistorius get for Valentine's day?... 20 years.
Breaking news: Oscar Pistorius named in South African shooting team for 2016 Olympics.
It must have been dark when Oscar Pitorius shot his girlfriend ...
He said he couldn't see two feet in front of him.
Shame about Oscar Pistorius, ... the man had the world at his knees.
Trying to surprise your partner on Valentines day? ... Worth a shot.
I take it Oscar Pistorius' girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines?
Oscar Pistorius, bringing a whole new meaning to 'taking your girlfriend out on
Newspaper headline: Unarmed girlfriend shot dead by unlegged boyfriend
Word of the day: 'pistorius' meaning 'handy with a pistol'
First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius.
I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"
New revelations in the Oscar Pistorius case. Police found a cricket bat covered
in blood on the scene!
And a pair of stumps...
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Hello lovely Chockstoners. Hasn’t there been a lot of carping on about bolts and such like on Chockstone lately? Derek my M10 love says it really doesn’t amount to much as it is all just internet posturing until any real action happens.
He told me it is like the following funny, but I fail to see the humour in it myself, other than he likes biffo shows on TV;
After spending all day in the local boozer, the barman finally had enough and ejected the town drunk at midnight.
The drunk was so tanked that when wobbling out the door he staggered, tripped and fell face forward onto the pavement outside with a thud.
As the drunk tried to get to his feet he spied a nun (black and white habit and all) walking towards him.
The drunk, finally on his feet, set off at a rapid pace towards the nun and when he arrived cleaned her up with the best shirt front you would ever want to see. He proceeded to pick her up and unleashed fury against the poor nun with endless kicks and punches until she was bloodied and battered and all but out on her feet.
The drunk then leaned in real close to the nun and whispered in her ear.........."not so friggin tough tonight are ya Batman!"
Maybe the posturing would be more effective if those engaging in it got a lesson from Paddy?
Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by,
covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?
' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate ... the potato goes in the front!'
On 28/04/2013 hero wrote:
>Oh MrsM10, I first heard that joke from a Tyrannosaurus called Reg. think you're slipping.
It is OK Mr hero. While I am in the gutter I will help you up, unless also, I have Derek my M10 love in need of same, as I can only do so much at a time dearie.
This of course should be a salient life lesson to any who would post on this lovely site, as being a public forum one never knows what deviants may be reading it.
Mr ODH are you paying attention? You might like the following joke Derek told me earlier this week?
First-year students at the Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,
'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example'; he said as he pulled back the sheet and stuck his finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
'The second most important quality is observation.'
'I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'
'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
On 3/05/2013 MrsM10iswhereitsat. wrote:
>On 28/04/2013 hero wrote:
>>Oh MrsM10, I first heard that joke from a Tyrannosaurus called Reg. think
>It is OK Mr hero. While I am in the gutter I will help you up, unless
>also, I have Derek my M10 love in need of same, as I can only do so much
>at a time dearie.
>This of course should be a salient life lesson to any who would post on
>this lovely site, as being a public forum one never knows what deviants
>may be reading it.
>Mr ODH are you paying attention? You might like the following joke Derek
>told me earlier this week?
and Derek must have got that one from Reg's cousin.
Dearie me Mr kieranl, you do seem out of sorts lately.
That's alright dearie, along with the pacemakers, most of the old posters that frequent this site suffer from incontinence and have Alzheimer’s to boot. So five minutes after they've gotten all angry and agitated, they don't remember what they had the poops about in the first place.
Perhaps you might like the following funny better?
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your Blue Mountains house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob .."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob ."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your sportclimbers stick-clipper, the one with the graphite shaft."
VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that stick-clipper, you're in deep shit."
I think that one has been done before Mr tnd, but don't worry dearie, as it was quite a while ago and some folk may not have seen it.
On the topic of people seeming to be out of sorts lately. Mr Kieranl are you paying attention? Derek my M10 love tells me that you might be interested in the following therapy.
The Hypnotist therapy.
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was
even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife,
She's not my wife,
She's not my wife"
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
He also suggested to me that if it doesn't work, you might like to try remembering the salient lesson in the following, as a litmus test.
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
The elderly lady hung her head, I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind a few years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'
Mrs M10, your concern for my well-being is touching if unnecessary. However Derek, despite having, I'm sure, many admirable qualities is sadly mistaken as to what I might find interesting.
Still, one good thought deserves another so here's a little something I heard last week.
The barman says "We don't serve time-travellers here."