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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

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Author
Friday Funnies

ChuckNorris
4-Aug-2017
6:51:01 PM
Bwah ha har - cried laughing at that one Eddie as short rotund and me as tall virile and powerful. Spot on!!! Didn't read the rest laughing too much - is it funny?

Cheers MrsM10 you made my day.
widewetandslippery
5-Aug-2017
9:00:16 AM
>know a pope?

catholic school boy, holy cross ryde , number 5 w
as the easy one.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
1-Sep-2017
1:15:37 PM
On 5-Aug-2017 widewetandslippery wrote:
>>know a pope?
>
>catholic school boy, holy cross ryde , number 5 w
>as the easy one.

Hello Mr widewetandslippery,
It would seem that you're not a fan of that mob, so Derek my M10 love tells me that you might be a fan of this one to brighten your Friday arvo. Maybe Mr gfdonc can see the value in it too given his lovely photos on this site of late?




Blessed papperatzi?
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $500,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... five hundred thousand dollars...'

'FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!' replied the housekeeper. 'They must have seen you coming!'
widewetandslippery
1-Sep-2017
5:10:13 PM
actually the brothers were very good, and that joke is great

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
5-Jan-2018
12:35:23 PM
On 1-Sep-2017 widewetandslippery wrote:
>actually the brothers were very good, and that joke is great

An oxymoron? Are you sick?
If so then you might also appreciate this one as you start feeling better.

... Mr Wide recently gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function & all around his head, hell of a pain over his left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

It was obvious he'd been in a serious bouldering or pack-rafting accident.

She looked deep & steady into is eyes and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"







My, my, it has been interesting on Chockstone lately...

Yoo hoo Mr gnaguts - Mr Stugang?, or perhaps as Derek my M10 love unkindly suggests Mr gerbil hunter??
What are you doing for upcoming Ozzy Day while over in Singapore? If you are losing touch with your home values then Derek also suggested the following public bar epistle he found for you as a refresher course.



We, the devotees of Chockstone are a people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are just one internet site but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races.
Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners, off season carni-folk, and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, cattle stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. ... While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a complete mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition.

Not that we're whinging, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem ... (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up, gerbil stomping, and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. And our national dress code is short shorts, thongs, and the good old t-shirt!

We shoot, we root, we joke, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian Chockstone users.






And one for Mr M9 - is Chocky going the way of Crag X?... Here is a bolting resurrection topic and includes numbers, since you seem fond of counting them; to keep things ticking over nicely for you.


How many Chockstone forum members does it take to place a bolt?

1 to place the bolt and to post that bolt has been placed.

14 to share similar experiences of placing bolts and how the bolt could have been placed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of placing bolts.

6 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about placing bolts.

15 know-it-allís who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "bolt" is a threaded device and when placed into the natural environment rather than the man made one, has repercussions that many placers would not be aware of.

2 to post that this group is not about bolts and to please take this discussion to a bolt group.

27 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use bolts and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

16 to debate which method of placing bolts is superior, where to buy the best bolts, what brand of bolts work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

2 to post URL's where one can see examples of different bolts.

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the bolt controversy.

4 to suggest that posters request the bolts FAQ.

16 to post "F".

44 to ask what is an "F"?

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

3 to say "Do a Google search on bolts before posting questions about bolts".

1 Lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

1 Troll to suggest itís all a nazi plot anyway.
widewetandslippery
6-Jan-2018
5:45:34 AM
That first joke is so close to the truth its not funny

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
2-Feb-2018
1:12:31 PM
Hello Chockerstone lovelies.
Even if things have been quiet over the silly, err holiday season lately, I know you are all out there in cyberland when not following the noblest of pursuits on rock, so to that end Derek my M10 love and I, send a belated cheerio to Mr M9 and our best wishes for your full recovery back to climbing again.
In the meantime, here are a number* of funnies that you might relate too?

(*More than normal to celebrate your prolific posting over the Chockerstone years)


Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and check-ed under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive!





A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."





Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour
of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have
him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for
just $100.'

The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They
return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald
Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$100?

The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'





For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5 The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.




Down in the good old USA, a man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks Called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."





Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Maria went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Maria told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."



And last but not least, please remember ...
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades!








baloydi
2-Feb-2018
4:32:18 PM
Bouldering is like masturbation: not as good as the real thing but you donít need to worry about protection. :|]
IMA.SERIOUSYOUNGLIZA
2-Feb-2018
9:57:40 PM
.
...HEY DALIAH !!!!...CHECK THIS OUT !!!!!!

Image and video hosting by TinyPic



.: D


.

IdratherbeclimbingM9
Online Now
3-Feb-2018
11:06:29 AM
Dear Mrs M10 & Derek,

Thank you (I think?) for the CragX and heart related funnies on my behalf; though a minor correction point is required, ... as I did not have a heart attack, but I did have a pre-emptive open heart procedure to prevent such occurring.

Cheers to your climbing,
Idra~>M9

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey Ima.SeriousYoungliza...

I can see hands on the Hex-cauldron rim in your picture above, but since I am not 'Daliah', ... in the immortal words of Pauline; Please explain?

dalai
4-Feb-2018
6:56:49 PM
On 3-Feb-2018 IdratherbeclimbingM9 wrote:

>Hey Ima.SeriousYoungliza...
>
>I can see hands on the Hex-cauldron rim in your picture above, but since
>I am not 'Daliah', ... in the immortal words of Pauline; Please explain?
>
You and me both... No idea!
baloydi
9-Feb-2018
6:04:47 PM
ima.seriousyoungliza
16-Feb-2018
10:24:35 AM
.
...HEY DALIAH !!!!!!... CHECK THIS OUT !!!!!

.."...it was like something out of Star Wars...a language that has never been heard ... or invented ...".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZGDvsCGVGc

..: D

.
Markg
16-Feb-2018
4:32:17 PM
YouTube search Ken Lee X Factor.

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