Q. What's the definition of optimism in the financial industry?
A. Ironing 5 shirts on a Sunday night.
I thought 3 shirts would have been optimistic at the moment...
How's this for funny:
I went to a job interview yesterday(Canberra govt. dept). The recruitment agent told me that they were very casual on Friday, so don't worry about getting too dressed up. I went in suit pants/shirt, no tie etc. I get there and sit down with the guy who tells me "we know that everyone we are interviewing can do the work, we just wanted to see how casually you dressed to see if you'd get on with the team". This fricken Canberra job market is driving me nuts, I don't know whether to laugh or cry...
An climber walks into the local Centrelink office in Horsham,
marches straight up to the counter and mumbles, "' I
don't wanna be on dole. I wanna job."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard/belayer for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Subaru, but he'll supply all of your clothes and climbing gear.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas climbing trips. You'll have a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $60,000 a year."
The climber says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah well, you started it."
A petrol station owner in a small Blue Mountains climbing town was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy the local Irish lad pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex..
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time..'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all,
My wife won twice last week.'
Q. What's orange and like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
Derek my M10 love, tells me that as we have been away on holidays I ought to post this one (that he thinks is hilarious), as well, since it appears no other posters have carried on the Friday Funnies last month in our absence.
Subject: Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night a girlfriend of mine was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' She told
her husband that she would be home by midnight, promising solemnly! Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home.
Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another
She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when
totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals up to 12 Cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in. She told him
'MIDNIGHT' and he didn't seem at all bothered.
Whew, she thought that she had got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When she asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night it cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh sh!t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
On 6/02/2009 pmonks wrote:
>Q. What's orange and like a parrot?
>A. A carrot.
dude that is THE worst.
What do psychologists call the force applied by a team mate placing his hands around another team-mates throat (as done by cricketers when refusing to stay and sing the absolutely bloody rousing team song)?
I have heard that the punch line to that song is , hmm, shall we say interesting?
On 13/12/2008 pmonks wrote:
>Q. What's the definition of optimism in the financial industry?
>A. Ironing 5 shirts on a Sunday night.
Definition of Liquidity:
'When you look at your investments and wet your pants'.
Dearie me good Chockers peoples. Arn't the recent fires down in Vic. dreadful. It just takes my breath away to hear and see of it.
Maybe the day can be lightened a little with further postings to this thread again.
Never Argue with a Woman.
One morning, a womans husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake where her husband has been angling, the wife decides to take his boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and reads her book.
Along comes a Fishing Inspector in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Madam. May I ask what you are doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book?' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual Assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Fishing Inspector.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day madam,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
DUCKS IN HEAVEN!!!
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven..
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly male boulderer!'
The next day,
the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly male boulderer.
He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly male boulderer, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks,
one day St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome male boulderer she has ever laid eyes on
.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'
The male boulderer says,
'I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a
I liked this one.
On 13/02/2009 IdratherbeclimbingM9 wrote:
>I liked this one.
hehe that reminds me of this one. if thats doesn't sum up chockstone i don't know what does ;)
Given that it's still Friday here (barely)...
An Australian tourist is driving around the South Island of New Zealand when he happens to spot a farmer rooting a sheep in a paddock. He stops his car, gets out and walks over to the fence. After a while he says "you know, in Australia we shear our sheep", to which the farmer replies (in a thick "inzid" accent) "well I'm not bloody shearing this one with inyone!".
Given all the talk about trouble with foreigners recently, you better watch out for Prawo Jazdy, the notorious driving offender and secret identity that clocked up more than 50 fines in Ireland before being ..discovered.
A Polish sports climber went to the motor registry to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
"Zure!" said the climber, "I vas the first to red point it!"
On 6/02/2009 westie wrote:
>On 6/02/2009 pmonks wrote:
>>Q. What's orange and like a parrot?
>>A. A carrot.
>dude that is THE worst.
I think this might be worse:
Q: How do you catch a rabbit?
A: Hide in the bushes and make a noise like lettuce.
Or, one of my favourites:
Q: What game do you play with a wombat?
Climber Dude was driving back to Araps from a Nati run when he saw a Polish climber that he sort of knew trying to hitch a lift. He stopped the car and offered the guy a lift.
With a silent nod, the Pole climbed into the car. Climber Dude tried in vain to make conversation with the Polish guy.
The Pole looked closely at everything in the car, studying every little detail, until he noticed a box on the back seat.
'Vat is it that is in the box?' asked the Pole.
'It's a carton of beer that I got for my wife,' joked Climber Dude.
The Pole was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of a beard stroker, he said, 'Good trade.'
I've totally been getting into this at work lately:
It's a webcomic loosely based on D+D. It's full of nerdy jokes. Start at #1 if you're keen.