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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

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Author
Friday Funnies
PrincessFingers
8/04/2005
10:04:00 AM
The Aussie Way
An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank b*stard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings."
PrincessFingers
8/04/2005
10:48:52 AM
Okay, I have another one....


Three mates sitting at the bar. An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie.

The Italian – When I finish maken a love to my girlafriend, I go downa gently and tickela back of the kneesa…. She floatsa six inchesa abovea da bed in ecstasy!


The Frenchman adds – You sink zat is good. When I finish with ze girl, ah kiss her all ze way down her body and zen lick the soles of ze feet, she float 12 inches above ze bed in ecstasy!

The Aussie – Oh mate, that’s nothing… When I finish ridin my bird, I wipe my knob on the curtin and she hits the f*@king roof!!!

cruze
8/04/2005
12:13:57 PM
One in, all in so:

Corporate Condoms:-


Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.


* Nike Condoms: Just do it
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
* Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
* Optus Condoms: Yes!
* KFC Condoms: Finger Lickin' Good
* M&M's Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
* Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the Spirit
* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)
* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....
* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek
* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.
* Quicken Condoms: Quicken.Easy
.............................................................

The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

* Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....
* Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
* TAC Condoms: Speed kills
* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
* B olle Condoms: Put them on your face
* Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you
PrincessFingers
8/04/2005
12:34:48 PM
YES, I found another one....

John Cleese's Letter to the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all States, Commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

2.Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not mature enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

3.There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

4.You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to c--kney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

5.You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task 1.

6.You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.2% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should also stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
PrincessFingers
8/04/2005
12:35:52 PM
7.You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

8.July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10.Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian, though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

11.The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.


12.The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

13.Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

14.Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

15.Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

* John Cleese

sabu
8/04/2005
12:52:33 PM
an email i got called "Always Concentrate"

WIFE: >What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? > >
HUSBAND: >Definitely not! > >
WIFE: >Why not - don't you like being married? > >
HUSBAND: >Of course I do. > >
WIFE: >Then why wouldn't you remarry? > >
HUSBAND: >Okay, I'd get married again. > >
WIFE: >You would? (with a hurtful look on her face). > >
HUSBAND: >(makes audible groan). > >
WIFE: >Would you live in our house? > >
HUSBAND:Sure, it's a great house. > >
WIFE: >Would you sleep with her in our bed? > >
HUSBAND: >Where else would we sleep? > >
WIFE: >Would you let her drive my car? > >
HUSBAND: >Probably, it is almost new. > >
WIFE: >Would you replace my pictures with hers? > >
HUSBAND: >That would seem like the proper thing to do. > >
WIFE: >Would she use my golf clubs? > >
HUSBAND: >No, she's left-handed. > >
WIFE: >- - - silence - - > >
HUSBAND: >F*ck

sabu
8/04/2005
1:06:34 PM
this is another i got but i lost the email so i'll hav to remember it..

at sunday skool a nun was talking to the children, she asked "which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first"?
Ann said "i think it's your hands becuase you hold them high and together while you pray"
"Thats very thoughtful Ann well done" said the Nun
Jonny said "i think it's your legs"
"why is that"?
"because last night i saw Mommy on the bed with her legs in air screaming Oh God im comming, if Daddy wasn't pinning her down we would hav lost her"

The Nun fainted

*i apologise for any mistakes this was all from memory!*
PrincessFingers
8/04/2005
1:40:21 PM
Little Johnny…

Little Johnny’s in religion class.

Now he’s been studying so hard the past few weeks that he’s starting to fall asleep at this desk. Little Jane’s behind him and didn’t want to see him get in to any trouble. So she though, if the teacher asked any questions, I’ll poke him with my pencil.

Few minutes passed and the teacher asked Little John, “John, who is the son of Mary?”. Jane pokes John in the rib with her pencil. Little John yells out “JESUS CHRIST!…”. “Well done John” the teacher says. Little John nods off back to sleep.

A few minutes later the teacher askes, “John, who is Jesus’ father?” Jane pokes him again, “GOD ALL MIGHTY!..”, “Well done Little John, you’ve been doing your homework!”, and little John nods off back to sleep.

A few minutes later the teacher asks Little John, “What did Eve say to Adam in the Garden of Eden?”. Jane pokes him, but he didn’t wake up.

“John!” the teacher said more sternly, “What did Eve say to Adam in the Garden of Eden?”, Jane pokes him even harder with her pencil. Little John bolts upright looks around and says…”if you poke me with that thing once again, I’ll break it in half and shove it up your arse….!’

LittleMac
8/04/2005
1:42:42 PM
Glad to see the standard of smut is at a satisfactory level.
PrincessFingers
8/04/2005
2:03:20 PM
We're all trying our best...

ShinToe Warrior
8/04/2005
2:25:40 PM
On 8/04/2005 Rovina wrote:
>We're all trying our best...

Is that why this thread ended up in the "CHOCKSTONE FEEDBACK" area of the forum, so you could
leave some comments about the CHOCKSTONE WEBSITE ???
This thread would be more appropriate in the GENERAL DISCUSSION part of the forum

Please get it right, or I shall unleash the Peregrines
PrincessFingers
8/04/2005
2:31:32 PM
Warrior,

I wasn't too sure where to put this one. I believed the feed-back would be a good start. That way if anyone did want to add they could.

I was under the understanding the General Discussion would have been for Climbing related chat...

PrincessFingers
8/04/2005
2:36:14 PM
CENTRELINK
A guy walks into the local Centrelink office in Broome, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Wat up man... I hate being on the dole.
"I'd really rather have a job bro."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
hauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort
her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment
above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".
dalai
8/04/2005
2:38:32 PM
On 8/04/2005 Rovina wrote:
>I was under the understanding the General Discussion would have been for
>Climbing related chat...

LOL - funniest joke so far!!

ShinToe Warrior
8/04/2005
2:43:49 PM
On 8/04/2005 Rovina wrote:
>Warrior,
>
>I wasn't too sure where to put this one. I believed the feed-back would
>be a good start. That way if anyone did want to add they could.
>
Just for future reference, Feedback is to let Mike (who looks after the site) know if anything is not working
on the website, or suggestions for improvement, that sort of thing....

>I was under the understanding the General Discussion would have been for
>Climbing related chat...

Well, technically Yes, though depending on how bored people are at Work/School/Uni/Home , all sorts of
stuff can and does get posted in GD. If it's sufficiently entertaining or informative it usually stays, if it's X-
rated, rude, offensive or downright shite, then the Moderators usually delete it quick smart
PrincessFingers
8/04/2005
2:49:16 PM
"if it's X-rated, rude, offensive or downright shite"

So far, so good I suppose.

Is there a way to move it to the General Discussion forum? Or maybe not... some of the jokes are a bit rude....

ShinToe Warrior
8/04/2005
2:55:47 PM
On 8/04/2005 Rovina wrote:
>Is there a way to move it to the General Discussion forum?

Try Private Messaging one of the Moderators

Mike, nmonteith & dalai are moderators that I know of....

you may find at some point that one of the Moderators moves the thread anyway. good to ask them in
any case....

IdratherbeclimbingM9
Online Now
8/04/2005
3:00:13 PM
>to let Mike (who looks after the site) know if anything is not working on the website

... oxymoron?

>Is there a way to move it to the General Discussion forum?
Cutnpaste/copy to the general smut thread (generally found in various locations now!)?

PS If you feel the need you can delete this post mod/s !!

nmonteith
8/04/2005
3:46:40 PM
Just a thought - posts like those contained in this thread is what will get Chockstone banned from workplaces. If we try and keep it moderatly clean (and climbing related) then all us office workers can keep surfing these pages without the fear of it being banned from over-zelous IT managers.
Goodvibes
8/04/2005
4:01:07 PM
Thanks Neil, that very thing has happened to me on a few occaisons already.

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