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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

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Friday Funnies

3:34:57 PM
Thanks Mrs M10 (& Derek), for the feedback re On The Prow at Buhladelah, as an aid climb.

On 3/11/2014 kuu wrote:
>On 3/11/2014 MrsM10iswhereitsat. wrote:
>>Two old guys (Mr M9 and Mr Kuu?), one 70 and one 76, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
>>The 76-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
>>The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
>>The 76-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
>>energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
>Hi Mrs M10, picture me giving you a rye (sic) grin !!

Mmmmm rye bread.
~> Many an adventure has floundered due to lack of rye bread!!
Heh, heh, heh.

With Mrs M10's home truths, kuu has continued on his mentorship role to the up and coming (includes me), generations...

3:49:44 PM
What's so funny about that--bloody annoying when it's happens.

3:52:34 PM
On 3/11/2014 Stugang wrote:
>What's so funny about that--bloody annoying when it's happens.

Why would you be pissed about two old fart climbers sitting on a park bench discussing the merits of rye bread?

Oh, you mean shaved pussies?
~> Yeah, much better to drown feral cats instead...

1:27:55 PM
Hello again Chockerstone lovelies.
Yoo hoo Mr M9, as a kindred spirit you are more than welcome to the aid feedback.
I notice that you like the bikes with motors, so have found a couple of funnies for you too dearie.

A boulderer appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the boulderer offered.
'On a trip out the back of Horsham in Western Victoria, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I asked them very nicely to leave her alone, but the mongrels wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and slapped him on the face, kicked him on the bottom, knocked his bike over, pulled out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, 'Now, back off you bastards or I'll do the same to all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'A couple of minutes ago’, said the boulderer.

One day a man decided to retire.

He booked himself on a Pacific cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank about a year ago."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from another tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a whisky neat?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a motorbike as well?”

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new motorbike.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
After tying the other end to the rear of the farmer's bike, the chicken then rode slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the bike back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yes, you bet, there is a moral!)
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a motorbike to pick up chicks.

Yoo hoo Mr gnaguts, waving at you madly from over here dearie. Derek my M10 love tells me that it seems you were once a Nowra-ite, but even though you might have left he knows you will appreciate these funnies he told me, because he tells me you can take the bogan out of Nowra but can’t remove the Nowra out of the bogan, or something to that effect.
Please forgive him if you have heard some of them before.

A Nowra girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Nowra girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Nowra girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street, I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'
or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.”
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Nowra girl... "I just use their surnames"

A Nowra girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Nowra girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Nowra girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Nowra girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Nowra girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.

Q. What's the most confusing day in Nowra ?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Nowra ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

Police cordoned off Nowra City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.

7:19:51 PM
Thanks MrsM10, I think.
I will think of you next time I avoid nowra.

11:50:31 AM
Yes Mr gnaguts avoid Nowra if you can. Derek my M10 love tells me that he has heard interesting things about the place after being prompted by reading some of your posts. He asked me to share them with you sometime, so here they are;

You're A Nowraitian When:

1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The book value of your ute goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in it.

3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9 Your high school dance offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the National Anthem are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Two Nowra bogans in a caravan park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Holden plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your caravan Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off fishtin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

Bogan said “I hate all this terrorist crap. I miss the days when you could look at an unattended bag and think to yourself, 'I'm gonna take that''.

There's a new camera out with such a quick shutter speed that it's possible to take a pic of a Nowra girl with her mouth shut.

Bogan came outta the fish shop with a hamburger and chips. A poor, homeless bloke said ''I've not eaten in 3 days''. Bogan said ''I wish I had your willpower''.

After a fat girl served Bogan at Maccas she said ''Sorry about the wait''. Bogan just said ''Don't worry, you may find a way to lose it eventually''.

Underage chick looked at bogans beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Tooheys or VB?"
Bogan said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

Bogan was talking to a girl in the pub last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
Bogan said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Bogan was telling a girl in the pub about his ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
Bogan said, "Yesterday."

Bogan got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at him so loud, he nearly fell in.

Bogan went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. Bogan said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
Bogan said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Bogan was flicking through his local newspaper after unwrapping his chips and came across an advertisement saying "ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000" So bogan called them up and said "The answer is Minus $5,000."

Q. Why did the bogan cross the road?
A. His dick was stuck in the chicken.

DJ - "G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
Bogan caller - "I'm in Nowra with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
DJ - "Bummer mate!"
Bogan caller - "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Sometimes Derek wearies me greatly with his crudeness but I accept that when it comes to him describing bogans, as there really is no other way to do it, is there dearies?

On a more interesting note in the would be Nowra sister township out in the Wimmera an interesting event happened at that towns western outpost as I overheard recently.

In the great days of the Arapiles Climbing Empire, a new climbing Demigod with pen in hand to write The Book, was sent to the Natimuk outpost to relieve the retiring Trad Master.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (latte at the cafe, lubing the slcd’s, etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring Trad Master said, "You must meet my disciple, Estuardo, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this outpost.
His talent is simply boundless."

Estuardo was summoned and introduced to the new Demigod, who was surprised to meet a rotund haggard hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall, and a truly worthy candidate for title of Boulderer.
"Estuardo, old man, tell your new Demigod about yourself."

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from kindergarten, joined the Nati Rams and won the Averagest and Fairest award after three seasons battling the opposition goalposts.
I've represented Golden Goat in the greatest endurance event of all time, and won a Silver Spoon in the drought-weight division of the Nati Lake Dust Throwing Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

At that point, the Trad Master interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Estuardo, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the Horsham witch doctor to fluck off.”

8:27:50 AM
Perfect bike for boulderers:

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