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Friday Funnies

7:32:43 PM
On 24/08/2015 hero wrote:
>I think it's a funny image but I'm a little confused by this (and I know
>I'm taking it too literally but, as there are no holds above the urinal
>you would have to stiff arm off the lip of said urinal to get your penis
>high enough (yes, room for large penis joke here .....) or hold the slopey
>slimy top of the urinal at your waist, or is it a double gaston?

Flip upside down and hope you can maintain pressure?
9:04:27 PM
One arm up and bridge to the roof.

8:42:40 AM
Hello again chuckstones dearies, and a special yoo hoo to Mr Capt_mulch who seems to be having funny withdrawal symptoms lately.

Goodness me, reading recent posts on this site makes me realise again that things are not always what they seem to be. Take for examples the Falcons Lookout bolts, and Mr mikl's toprope special setup booty, why it's almost enough to get you thinking, or not, as the case may be, according to Derek my M10 love.

Enough of the chit chat and down to business of other examples of things not being what they seem after our returning from holidays (are you paying attention Mr gnaguts?), in time to join the upcoming silly season in Melbourniaville.

Music From the Grave

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. Could it be Andre Rieu, he thinks to himself? He looks around but no one can be seen, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.

They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says: "He's decomposing."

The written word.

A minister is in town for a convention, and after the first day session he goes back to his hotel room and peruses the Gideon's bible. He then sets it aside and goes down to the lounge, where he strikes up a conversation with the barmaid, and brings her back to his room after her shift.
As she's stripping down, she remarks "Should we be doing this? You being a minister and all."

He replies "It's in the bible my child."

So after he's done, and in the shower, she opens the bible and there on the flyleaf is penned the notation "The barmaid puts out!"

Here is one Derek found for the photographers out there after reading some of the controversy in picture of the week comments.


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's

Are you ok again now Mr Capt_mulch?
If not, then here is another.

It was a small town in the Wimmera and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon an aging golden haired boulderer sitting in a used car!

He stopped and asked him, "Why are you sitting there in the car. Are you trying to steal it?"

"Heavens no, I bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"I can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"I was told that if I bought a Used car here I'd get screwed .so I'm just waiting."

12:25:19 PM
Hello again Chockstone dearies.
The urinal photo higher up this page prompted me to post this oldy but a goody that Derek my M10 love recently found again.

The Gold Urinal.

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice at their spacious home.
After several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
2:19:56 PM
Mrs M10 : I've never heard of anyone storing their saxophone in their toilet. And Bill and Hillary must have lousy memories and don't learn from their mistakes because apparently George W Bush made the same incredibly dumb mistake 8 years previously.

p.s. it's Tuesday. Crap "jokes" day is Friday.


8:22:16 AM
It was a wee joke, not a crap joke...
8:45:31 AM
Reminds of an old political joke about Bob Hawke and Malcolm Fraser in a bar and Malcolm confesses he's having trouble getting hard enough for Tammy. And Bob said, well with Hazel, I always just whack it on the bed head a couple of times before I get into bed. Malc says he'll try that.

Anyway. When he thinks the moment is right he's just about to climb into bed with Tammy and whacks his todger on the bed head a couple of times and Tammy excitedly says, "Is that you bob?"

11:19:08 PM
That was a good one Mr Hero.

Long time no see Chockerstone drearies... and a special yoo hoo to the lovely Mr KL who missed out on the key words of last time, being "oldy but a goody that Derek my M10 love recently found again".

Derek my M10 love says that this one is worth sharing with you since the interest rates have dropped again lately.

A little old lady went into the Reserve Bank of Australia one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hahing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Reserve Bank of Australia's president's balls in my hand."

5:48:11 PM

8:52:32 PM
From :

10:38:36 AM
Yoo hoo lovely Chockstone peoples out there in cyber land where it is nice and dry unlike today in south east Australia; in particular Mr AP who might relate to the following, as it's Friday again and what better to do than kick this thread along?

>I left that Toxic, Utterly Miserarble place that it has degenerated into with a smile on my face, Integrity, Honesty, ethics, morals and Pride in my job intact and a Very Happy heart.

Reading this reminded Derek my M10 love and I, about events in the U S of A at the moment, and a couple of the Mr Trump things he has heard down at the pub, so I thought I'd share with them you.

America and UK are having a competition to see who can mess their country up the most.
UK is currently in the lead but America has a Trump card.

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour
of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have
him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for
just $100.'

The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They
return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald
Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only

The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

OK, enough of the trumpery silliness which should rightly be long buried issues; but hopefully not like this..

>I can't apologise if I 'got the gig'

Bagpiper funeral.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

A bagpiper, who played many gigs. Recently was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who used to boulder in the back blocks of the Wimmera of Victoria near a certain scenic Mount. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the area.
As he was not familiar with the back blocks of the area, he got lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt bad and apologised to the men for being late.

He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this boulderer fellow with no family and friends. He played like he had never played before for this homeless man.
And as he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. He wept, a passer-by wept, they all wept together. When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car.
Though his head was hung low, his heart was full.
As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty three years."
Apparently, hes still lost...

12:57:01 PM
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

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