Chockstone Forum - General Discussion
General Climbing Discussion
Q: What did they call Bob the builder when he retired?
Q: What did they call Winnie the Pooh when he died?
A: Winnie the dead Sh*t
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
I see that you are a practical sort of person Mr ajfclark.
Have you ever considered what it is like to become elderly?
Derek my M10 love says he is not going to get old, as the booze will preserve him long before that. I am not so sure, and found these funnies for him to think about. Maybe you will enjoy them too?
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex..."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: 'You used to hold my hand when we were courting.' Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: 'Then you used to kiss me.' Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: 'Then you used to bite my Neck.' Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 'Where are you going' she asked.
'To get my teeth!'
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, 'Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!' An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, 'An elephant' Bessie thinks a minute and says, 'Close enough.'
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath' The 94 year old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down' The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
On 21/02/2009 pmonks wrote:
>Q. What's brown and sticky?
>A. A stick.
A = A brown stick! :)
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.”
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house!”
Hello my lovelies. I was reading the Pure and Fresh + Rope = Death? (my goodness, what an interesting combination of words for a title) thread, and noted that
Mr racingtadpole wrote
>the answer is pretty straight forward as to what to do...
I asked Derek my M10 love, about all this OH&S and MSDS thing and he told me it is not always quite so straight forward. He reminded me about the old New Zealand thing of them not sharing their sheep, and then told me this poem to illustrate his point.
For the pedants out there it isn’t strictly a funny but I did find it interesting, and I also find Derek surprises me sometimes with what he knows.
An AUSSIE POEM.
The sun was hot already and it was only 8 o'clock,
The c--ky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank,
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt,
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free,
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down,
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim,
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks,
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that c--ky swam,
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip,
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath,
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side,
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed,
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea,
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view,
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch,
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car,
The c--ky's reputation has been damaged near and far,
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks,
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
Thank you MrsM10, for passing on Dereks' poem. He sounds like a bit of a wag.
Overheard at the local garden centre (and keeping in mind it's almost Spring here):
"I wish my grass was emo, cause then it'd cut itself!"
On 28/02/2009 pmonks wrote:
>"I wish my grass was emo, cause then it'd cut itself!"
That reminds me of this one: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/434503/
Hello again this beautiful Friday my Chockerstone lovelies.
Derek my M10 love has been telling me about all the wonderful posts that have happened this week and in his inimitable style reckons a couple of them reminded him of some humorous moments that he thinks worth sharing with you all.
On 3/03/2009 on Roped Soloing Techniques thread Mr fish boy wrote:
>...don't forget, YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!
An old tradster takes a visibly shaken top-roper to visit a Doctor after his first multipitch climb. The top-roper is getting dressed in another room after being examined, and the tradster asks the Doc if his friend is going to be alright.
The Doctor replies, “Your mate is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following he will surely die. Each morning ensure he eats a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make sure he has a nutritious meal, and for dinner he needs an especially nice meal. No belay duty. No sandbagging. Oh yes, hard for a top-roper I know, but try to ensure he gets sex at least once a week. Do this for the next year and he will regain his health completely.”
The top-roper emerges from the other room and soon afterwards, as they leave the surgery, asks the tradster what the Doc said.
The tradster replies; “YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!”
On 2/03/2009 Mr wallwombat wrote on Mr Josh Caples thread about selling bigbros at parties:
>I reckon they'd notice if they thought they were going to get a Big Bro
>and ended up with a #1Pecker instead.
Yoo hoo, young Mr Josh Caple, (waving at you madly), which State in Australia do you find has the most parties worth attending? I gather they must not be too good otherwise you would not be going overseas so far away from home. Or is there another reason?
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico
arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker
claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian
woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree
with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged
the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely
'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and
accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked
the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both
woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian
woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the
tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker wondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A. A fsh!
You are not practicing to speak New Zealand are you?
On 7/03/2009 IdratherbeclimbingM9 wrote:
>You are not practicing to speak New Zealand are you?
You guessed it - I can't wait to get over there and "shear some sheep"!
remember the velcro gloves!
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"
On 8/03/2009 anthonyk wrote:
>Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
>"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
>"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"
Context if required...
Heisenberg's name will always be associated with his theory of quantum mechanics, published in 1925.
For this theory Heisenberg was awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics for 1932.
>Mechanical quantities, such as position, velocity, etc. should be represented, not by ordinary numbers, but by abstract mathematical structures called "matrices" and he formulated his new theory in terms of matrix equations.
On 9/03/2009 IdratherbeclimbingM9 wrote:
>On 8/03/2009 anthonyk wrote:
>>Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
>>"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
>>"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"
>Context if required...
>Heisenberg's name will always be associated with his theory of quantum
>mechanics, published in 1925.
basically Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says you can't know an objects position and velocity at the same time (or there's a limit to how precise you can know one if you know the other). anyway yeah its a bit of a nerdy joke
Nerd feeding time* at the Chockstone Zoo.
>Later Heisenberg stated his famous principle of uncertainty, which lays it down that the determination of the position and momentum of a mobile particle necessarily contains errors the product of which cannot be less than the quantum constant h and that, although these errors are negligible on the human scale, they cannot be ignored in studies of the atom.
... Can see the frenzy now!
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