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Author
Friday Funnies

wallwombat
15-Feb-2010
10:39:54 PM
…so this guy walks in to a confessional booth and the catholic priest starts with his usual spiel .

“What did you do, my son?”

“Well, father, see, there were these two beautiful blonde sisters. And I slept with them both – at the same time.”

“Oh dear,” the priest says, “Say 50 Hail Marys.”

“No way – I’m Jewish,” the man replies.

“But, wait…so why are you telling me??”

“I'm not just telling you, I’m telling everybody!”

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
19-Feb-2010
2:40:37 PM
Dearie me it is Friday again. Doesn't it come around quickly dearies?
Derek my M10 love has been at me to bake him some scones lately. I wonder why?


IRISH LOVE STORY.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.

"F**k off", she said, 'they're for the funeral.'





Derek also tells me that our beloved Prime Minister has sorted yet another NZ emergency out too.


NZ EMERGENCY.

Condom factory burns down in New Zealand:

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here.. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy!! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.

PM: Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.
W' ill be ruined.

Hilth Munister: We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?

PM: No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.

Hilth Munister: What about Australia?

Call Kivin Rudd. Tell hum we need one million condoms, ten enches long and thri
enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

She finds one million condoms. 10 enches long, 3 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM







Why do the Irish use two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure!

GravityHound
19-Feb-2010
3:08:59 PM
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Limerick to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. \
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son...... is how ya wave a fookin' towel!'



GravityHound
19-Feb-2010
3:24:52 PM
The NZ PM thought that showing off the intellectual prowess of some of NZ’s favourite people could instil a bit of pride in the country. The PM organises a shindig at Eden Park and free entry to the event means the stadium is packed to the rafters. In front of thousands of kiwi’s, the PM calls Richie McCaw to the stage. The crowd cheers wildly and the PM and Richie exchange some banter. Finally the PM asks;

“Ruchie, cen you tull me, what 12 985 – 1349 uz without using a calculator?”

Richie uses his fingers, takes off his shoes and finally says “11 143”.

The PM sighs and says “Sorry Ruchie, that’s not correct”.

But the crowd starts chanting “Guve hum another chence, guve hum another chence!”

So the PM quickly thinks of another one.

“Ruchie, cen you tull me, what 1 244 x 2 uz without using a calculator?”

Richie again uses his fingers and toes, and finally says “2 844”.

The PM sighs again and says “Sorry Ruchie, that’s not correct either”.

Again the crowd starts chanting “Guve hum another chence, guve hum another chence!”

The PM goes with the flow and quickly thinks of a final one.

“Ruchie, cen you tull me, what 100/20 uz without using a calculator?”

Richie smiles proudly and says into the microphone “5!”.

The PM smiles and looks out to the crowd that starts chanting “Guve hum another chence, guve hum another chence!”

ajfclark
26-Feb-2010
12:25:20 PM


More http://tv.gawker.com/5478462/how-not-to-apply-for-a-job-the-art-of-video-resumes

MonkeyBoy
26-Feb-2010
5:27:13 PM
That is pure gold
richardo
26-Feb-2010
10:30:44 PM
1101 posts since I last login and only 8 funnies.

I shed a tear.

What have you all been talking about?
hero
4-Mar-2010
3:06:50 PM
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

pmonks
4-Mar-2010
4:01:58 PM
While explaining biology to the class, Miss explains "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. "Miss! Miss! That's bullsh1t! I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

Before she gets a chance, Little Johnny continues. "Well," he says, "one day I was in the back yard with me kitty-cat when the neighbour's HUGE f*ck-off Rotty jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," says Miss, hoping to quickly change the subject.

"It sure was!" says Little Johnny. "Me kitty-cat raised his back, said 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck off!", the Rotty ate him!"

wallwombat
5-Mar-2010
12:20:33 AM
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
5-Mar-2010
4:38:31 PM
Hello chockerstone lovelies. It seems the theme today is teachers and bright young people, or in Mr Heros case a dog. Derek my M10 love is busy packing our gear in the car for the long weekend and can't comment, but I found this little anecdote that you may enjoy as we are never too old to learn are we?






According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

evanbb
5-Mar-2010
7:00:14 PM
On 26/02/2010 ajfclark wrote:

>More http://tv.gawker.com/5478462/how-not-to-apply-for-a-job-the-art-of-video-resumes

Oh holy shit. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
widewetandslippery
6-Mar-2010
12:08:09 PM
are those real or a piss take?

ajfclark
10-Mar-2010
11:29:37 AM
On 6/03/2010 widewetandslippery wrote:
>are those real or a piss take?

Of those, at least the second guy appears to be real. His name is Joel Bauer. See http://www.infotainer.com/ for details on how he builds crowds, guaranteed!
dmnz
10-Mar-2010
12:29:09 PM
On 6/03/2010 widewetandslippery wrote:
>are those real or a piss take?

i've seen the card guy before on the net

ajfclark
10-Mar-2010
12:52:45 PM
On 10/03/2010 dmnz wrote:
>i've seen the card guy before on the net

Given this seems to happen with a variety of people from time to time, I'll bite. Did you not read my reply? Was it not clear? Did you think ww&s could use another response stating the same thing? Do you ignore all my posts?

gordoste
11-Mar-2010
11:07:26 AM
That card guy looks familiar... I think I've seen him before. I think he calls himself InfoTainer or something like that.

JamesMc
11-Mar-2010
5:56:42 PM
I really had someone turn up to a job with a lap top and a powerpoint presentation.

Needless to say he didn't get the job.

JamesMc
egosan
Online Now
11-Mar-2010
7:56:45 PM
On 11/03/2010 JamesMc wrote:
>I really had someone turn up to a job with a lap top and a powerpoint presentation.
>
>Needless to say he didn't get the job.
>
>JamesMc

I posted an add for an entry level helpdesk position clearly asking for CVs to be submitted as PDF. I deleted the email address after I got a thousand applicants and promptly threw away the 900 or so that had .doc's attached to their emails.
Out of the 100 left I found 10 I thought might be worth interviewing. Hiring is fun funny.
egosan
Online Now
12-Mar-2010
11:44:32 AM
I laughed at this. Decidedly NSFW nor for lunch if you are squeamish.

http://www.ispub.com/ostia/index.php?xmlFilePath=journals/ijs/vol9n1/scrotum.xml

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