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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

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Author
Friday Funnies

ajfclark
7-Aug-2009
2:18:19 PM
On 7/08/2009 .Macca wrote:
>I've always liked the luggage shop at melbourne domestic airport: Carrion, what's not to like about rotting meat

Brown Gouge dry cleaners always sounds a bit wrong too...
hero
7-Aug-2009
2:42:19 PM
A new Council Rates re-evaluation policy wants to charge us more if we live in
a nice area. That ought to mean discounts or those of us who live in rough
areas.

There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a
grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but
the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is notorious for racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's
girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in
nightclubs. They are out of control.












Honestly - who'd live near Buckingham Palace ?
hero
7-Aug-2009
2:45:02 PM

And I couldn't resist this one.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

wallwombat
7-Aug-2009
2:54:34 PM
Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all
three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their
eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: 'The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and
said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all
night long.'

The mistress: 'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild sex all night.'

The married woman: 'I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

pmonks
7-Aug-2009
2:58:48 PM
Not quite Friday here yet, but in light of recent OFFICIAL THREADs...

Q. Why did the condom fly across the room?
A. It was pissed off.

pmonks
7-Aug-2009
3:07:59 PM
On 7/08/2009 ajfclark wrote:
>Brown Gouge dry cleaners always sounds a bit wrong too...

In the North Beach neighbourhood in SF there's a bottle-o near a popular phallic attraction called "Coit Liquors":


ajfclark
7-Aug-2009
3:20:10 PM
I wandered past the Dick Whittington Tavern one night and noticed the attached Bottlemart was interestingly named:
Dick Liqour

ajfclark
7-Aug-2009
3:22:07 PM
And how could we forget: http://www.beaverliquors.com/

ambyeok
7-Aug-2009
3:59:04 PM
Well... if at that exact moment the mother comes in and sees you on the bed and the cat with the the stuff on his/her face then things could become interesting. Sounds like an urban myth in the making. Im picturing that mum walks in, and there is you and the cat both staring at her with guilty looks
hero
7-Aug-2009
6:28:22 PM
Trawling through old files I found this:

How To Tell When You Are On a Bold Route

It wasn't included in the sportclimbing guide to the area
You don't care that you left the rack at home
Your single piece is more sticky tape than metal
A passerby starts explaining the meaning of the word 'otiose'
There is a buzzard in the nearest tree
You wear a helmet
A man in a black suit measures you before you start climbing
The photographer wont photograph the move
You fart and all your gear falls out
Your butt cheeks go into spasm
You're exhausted from hauling your futon up to the base
John Donne thinks you're mad
Your belayer brings a deckchair and a book
There's some dude in a black robe with a scythe hanging around talking to your belayer
Your arsehole is making grinding noises
There appears to be a tunnel with a white light at the end just next to your climb
Your belayer starts praying


Did you hear about the Dwarf ascent of 6 moves to glory?

evanbb
10-Aug-2009
1:17:30 PM
This couldn't wait until Friday:

egosan
10-Aug-2009
1:22:05 PM

Thanks Evanb, More proof that you can't stop stupid.
widewetandslippery
11-Aug-2009
12:45:53 PM
I know I missed Hiroshima Day but a few years ago a friends student presented this poem to an audience:
"In a flash
you are ash
we won".

Zebedee
14-Aug-2009
10:21:35 PM
Friday has almost passed and no-one is funny! Ogden Nash was...

The Third Jungle Book

Why does the Pygmy
Indulge in polygamy?
His tribal dogma
Frowns on monogma
Monogma's a stigma
For any Pygma
If he sticks to monogmy
A Pygmy's a hogmy

Chuck Norris
14-Aug-2009
10:35:46 PM
On 14/08/2009 Zebedee wrote:
>Friday has almost passed and no-one is funny!

well then post something funny

pmonks
15-Aug-2009
12:44:06 AM
An oldie but a goodie...

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.
simey
15-Aug-2009
7:47:56 AM
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A. One is a scum sucking bottom feeder. The other one is a fish.

pmonks
15-Aug-2009
8:55:32 AM
Q. What do you call 1,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

pmonks
15-Aug-2009
9:04:04 AM
Q. What do you throw a drowning lawyer?
A. His partners.
gfdonc
15-Aug-2009
9:20:16 AM
OK, I'll bite.
A wealthy old man took ill with a chronic condition. He called in one of his close advisors one day and told him he wanted to sit the bar exam before he died.
The attorney took to bringing him the necessary materials to his hospital bed while the old man worked feverishly away, studying as best he could while his condition worsened. After a month or more of hard work, he sat the exam and the day came when he was presented with his certificate.
However all that hard work had worsened his condition markedly and his doctor now gave him only days to live. His attorney, on presenting him with his certificate, said to him:
"So, you're now a qualified attorney. But why? You've done all this work, and yet you'll be passing soon. I just fail to see the point?".
The old man propped up on one elbow, managed a wry smile, and said "One less lawyer".


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