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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

 Page 15 of 61. Messages 1 to 20 | 21 to 40 | 41 to 60 | 61 to 80 | 81 to 100 | 101 to 120 | 121 to 140 | 141 to 160 | 161 to 180 | 181 to 200 | 201 to 220 | 221 to 240 | 241 to 260 | 261 to 280 | 281 to 300 | 301 to 320 | 321 to 340 | 341 to 360 | 361 to 380 | 381 to 400 | 401 to 420 | 421 to 440 | 441 to 460 | 461 to 480 | 481 to 500 | 501 to 520 | 521 to 540 | 541 to 560 | 561 to 580 | 581 to 600 | 601 to 620 | 621 to 640 | 641 to 660 | 661 to 680 | 681 to 700 | 701 to 720 | 721 to 740 | 741 to 760 | 761 to 780 | 781 to 800 | 801 to 820 | 821 to 840 | 841 to 860 | 861 to 880 | 881 to 900 | 901 to 920 | 921 to 940 | 941 to 960 | 961 to 980 | 981 to 1000 | 1001 to 1020 | 1021 to 1040 | 1041 to 1060 | 1061 to 1080 | 1081 to 1100 | 1101 to 1120 | 1121 to 1140 | 1141 to 1160 | 1161 to 1180 | 1181 to 1200 | 1201 to 1204
Author
Friday Funnies

JimboV10
28-Mar-2009
10:11:20 AM
How do you make an orphans hand bleed?
Tell him to clap until daddy comes home....

** Ducks the bottles thrown from the crowd **

And one adapted from Gran Turino...

An aid climber, a boulderer and a trad hippy walk into a bar. Bartender looks up and says "F*ck off"

IdratherbeclimbingM9
28-Mar-2009
12:21:28 PM
Bartender was a gym/sport climber?

JimboV10
28-Mar-2009
2:14:31 PM
Spot on lol
BA
28-Mar-2009
6:35:17 PM
On 27/03/2009 climbingfool wrote:

>(Dyslexics of the World Untie!)

Dyslexics Rule KO

pmonks
4-Apr-2009
1:47:45 PM
Little Johnnie came into school (late as usual) just as Miss was telling the kids the word of the day. "Children, the word of the day is 'contagious' - please look it up in your dictionaries and then write a sentence or two that uses it." The kids all put their heads down and after a couple of minutes Miss says "Ok who is ready to share their sentence with the class?"

"ME!! ME!!" shouts Little Johnnie from the back of the classroom. Not quite sure how he could get into trouble with this task, but wary anyway, Miss picks Suzie. "Suzie, what is your sentence?" "Miss, my sentence is: 'My sister came home from school with a sniffle, and the next morning everyone in the family had a cold - that's because colds are contagious.'" replied Suzie.

"Very good Suzie! That's a great use of the word 'contagious'! Does anyone else have a sentence they'd like to share?"

"MISS!! ME!! MISS PICK ME!!!" shouts Little Johnnie from up the back. Intrigued, but still cautious Miss picks Wayne. "Wayne, the class would love to hear your sentence." "My Uncle has bad allergies, but he says not to worry since allergies aren't contagious." said Wayne.

"Great sentence Wayne! Does anyone else have a sentence they'd like read?"

"MISS MISS!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! PICK ME!!" shouts Little Johnnie from the back row. With curiosity overtaking her caution, Miss gives in. "Alright Little Johnnie, please stand up and tell us how you've used the word 'contagious'."

"Well me and me dad were on our way to school this morning, when we saw this HUGE farkin' accident between a milk truck and a car! There was sh1t everywhere - broken glass here, milk splattered over there, twisted metal all over the place. And as we drove past we saw a street sweeper coming towards us, and me dad turns to me and says 'you know what Little Johnnie? It's going to take that poor contagious to clean that up!'"

anthonyk
9-Apr-2009
4:26:36 PM
traversal tips from the experts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_hlvVeqVEo
hero
9-Apr-2009
6:56:58 PM
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

pmonks
11-Apr-2009
10:52:35 AM
An Asian gentleman goes into a foreign exchange office and asks "How many dorrah I get for 200 Yuan?". The clerk behind the counter replies "200 Yuan will give you 40 Australian dollars". Pleased with the rate, the gentleman exchanges his Yuan and disappears.

A week later the gentleman is back "how many dorrah I get for 200 Yuan?". The clerk replies "200 Yuan will give you 30 Australian dollars." Surprised, the gentleman asks "Last week I got 40 dorrah!! What change?" "Fluctuation" replies the clerk. Incensed, the gentleman immediately responds "Fluc you too, whitey!"

pmonks
18-Apr-2009
1:45:44 PM
Q. What did the cannibal do after dumping her boyfriend?
A. Wiped, flushed and washed her hands.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
24-Apr-2009
3:46:06 PM
Hello Chockerstone dearies. Derek my M10 love says that I ought to share this maths lesson that one of my friends gave to her husband not long ago, with you all.
He says it reminds him of an old Beatles song.





Note found on the refrigerator one morning:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 64 years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with
my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following
letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my
being 64 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 64 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local university. I would
like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an avid rockclimber.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful business man who has an excellent knowledge of
math, you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference, 18 goes into 64 a lot more
times than 64 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until
sometime tomorrow.


MrsM10iswhereitsat.
24-Apr-2009
4:23:05 PM
Is all this global money thing getting you down?
Well dearies if you are 50 or over then Derek tells me that the solution is to hand as he found this media announcement today.






Dear People of Australia,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be R.A.P.E.D can apply to the government to be eligible
for the S.H.A.F.T. scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).


Persons who have been R.A.P.E.D and S.H.A.F.T.ED will be reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W. program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be R.A.P.E.D once, S.H.A.F.T.ED twice and S.C.R.E.W.ED as many times as the government deems appropriate.



Only persons who have been R.A.P.E.D can get A.I.D.S. (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have A.I.D.S. or H.E.R.P.E.S. will not be S.H.A.F.T.ED or S.C.R.E.W.ED any further by the government.


Persons who are not R.A.P.E.D and are staying on, will receive as much
S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

The government has always prided itself in the amount of S.H.I.T. it gives out.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough S.H.I.T., please bring this to
the attention of your local MP.

They have been trained to give you all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.


Sincerely,

Australian Govenrment
Canberra







Derek says it is nearly enough to make young boulderers want to get to 50 in a hurry, but he tells me that our local MP does this as a past time !!!
prb
24-Apr-2009
5:48:12 PM
Venus and Serena (not their real names) have finished their match and are sitting in the changerooms.
Serena turns to Venus and says, "I think Dad's putting hormones in our water again."

Venus looks concerned, "Why do you say that Serena?"

"Because I'm growing hair where I've never grown hair before" says Serena.

"And where's that?" asks Venus.

"On my balls" replies Serena.



pmonks
25-Apr-2009
9:23:09 AM
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, when one of them says, "It's hot in here, hey?"
The other muffin replies, "Holy sh1t, a talking muffin!!"
racingtadpole
25-Apr-2009
5:49:40 PM
Glad to see I wasnt the only one watching 2 1/2 men the other night.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
1-May-2009
3:43:46 PM
Dearie me lovely Chockstoners. What a busy week it has been at Arapiles lately.
All this travelling by climbers to and fro to movie extravaganzas in Nati and all sorts. Derek my M10 love has been getting around with a huge smile on his dial lately and mumbled something about fooling some of the people some of the time on forums. He gave me the following to post to stir the possum he said. He also told me to tell Mr Josh (waving at you madly over there in sunny England), that it is time to substitute gum leaves for your sandwitch in your lunch bucket.



Home remedies.

A US climber came to Arapiles via Tasmania, and he was only there a month when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor in the Nati Horsham area, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,
"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket,
piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

USclimber took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said,
"It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "'You were homesick."


bluey
1-May-2009
4:00:50 PM
I tried the Swine Flu info phone line today to try to see what new information might be coming through.

Didnít really find out too much info though, it was a really bad phone line, all I got was crackling.

evanbb
1-May-2009
4:37:55 PM


This made me laugh.

Poignant too, as there's a Dr Seuss exhibition on at the Hyatt in Canberra starting today. Looks really interesting. He was a sculptor first, then an advertiser, then a children's book author. Got his imagination ticking as a young child by 'making new animals' from body parts his dad bought home from his job as taxidermist at the zoo! weirdo!

Capt_mulch
1-May-2009
5:18:52 PM
You've been in Canberra too long Evan :-) Can't make it Saturday though something quick on Sunday is a possibility.

OK, penance for being totally off topic.

A sports climber has been having a totally off day. He can't pull anything, feels weak, blows every crux. He's taken his long suffering wife along to belay, but she grew stronger as he grew weaker, and in the end she cruised a few problems that totally wasted him. After the last climb, he stormed back to the camp. When the wife got back, the husband had rigged his rope in a tree and was about to hang himself. The wife laughed out loud at how stupid he looked. "Don't you laugh" said the sports climber, "you're next!"
bl@ke
1-May-2009
7:29:06 PM
I think iv got swine flu iv come out in rashers.

to cure swine flu you just have to rub on some oinkment.

I rang the swine flu hotline but all i got was crackling.

Romfrantic
1-May-2009
8:25:54 PM
On 1/05/2009 bl@ke wrote:
>I think iv got swine flu iv come out in rashers.
>
>to cure swine flu you just have to rub on some oinkment.
>
>I rang the swine flu hotline but all i got was crackling.

Boaring...

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