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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

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Author
Friday Funnies

Capt_mulch
7-Nov-2008
5:10:49 PM
Sarah Palin and The First Dude were off on their annual trip to the Alaskan wilderness to bag moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose please." When he returned to the lake, he found Sarah and The Dude proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only to bring back one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!" "You're just a chicken pilot," Sarah Palin said. "We killed two moose last year, and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off." Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." So they loaded up, and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space, and crashed into the trees. Some time later, Sarah and The Dude regained consciousness. "Where are we?" Sarah Palin asked. The First Dude looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake, and replied,"Oh I guess about 100 yards farther than last year."
hero
7-Nov-2008
5:40:34 PM
Talking dogs.

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. "The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's the greatest blue mountains climber of the 80s?" "Ralph!"

The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'Geoff''?"
BA
8-Nov-2008
3:13:26 PM
Hee hee hee, I can remember all the argy bargy in the late lamented Screamer mag all those years ago, sigh.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
14-Nov-2008
2:35:30 PM
Hello dearies. Derek my M10 love wants to know if this news flash resembles anyone we may know?





Breaking news.



A trad climber on his way home from Arapiles is stuck in traffic at Natimuk.

Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: "What’s the hold-up?"

The policeman replies: "There is a tall, curly golden haired, boulderer up ahead who is so depressed he’s sat down in the middle of the street and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes he can get up anything good at Arapiles anymore and says he feels worthless and has run out of money due to financing a failed cafe attempt. So we’re taking up a collection for him."

The traddie asks: "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies: "About 40 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
widewetandslippery
14-Nov-2008
2:40:24 PM
On 7/11/2008 hero wrote:
>Talking dogs.
>
>A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring
>that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular
>dog, he can talk."
>"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you
>a hundred bucks. "The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's
>on top of a house?"
>"Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's
>the greatest blue mountains climber of the 80s?" "Ralph!"
>
>The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before
>I belt you."
>As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do
>you think I should have said 'Geoff''?"
>

Being a friend of Geoff, who Mr Hero I'm sure your aware never humoured to the ralph nickname, I reckon even he would piss himself laughing these days at that one.

kuu
14-Nov-2008
3:46:39 PM
On 14/11/2008 widewetandslippery wrote
>Being a friend of Geoff, who Mr Hero I'm sure your aware never humoured
>to the ralph nickname, I reckon even he would piss himself laughing these
>days at that one

I do hope so! Time has a way of softening these things, and causes us to see ourselves more clearly in
the scheme of things, eh Dude?

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
28-Nov-2008
3:05:20 PM
Hello dearies. With the sustainability debate raging in another thread Derek my M10 love says that the world population is half a concern so he dredged up this old funny as a working solution.







Birth control.



After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand , Tasmania, and also (according to Derek my M10 love) in the small village of Natimuk.

Capt_mulch
5-Dec-2008
11:04:49 AM
What's the best thing about using Ice?

Only one sleep till Christmas!!

(Apologies to Jimeoin)

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
5-Dec-2008
3:04:39 PM
Hello dearies. I am not sure why but after reading the banter that happens on Chockstone from time to time, it reminded me of this joke. Perhaps it may be something to do with sandbags and guidebook writers?








Ventriloquist.





An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar.”

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
12-Dec-2008
10:01:20 AM
Hello dear Chockstoners. My, my, where did this week go? Derek my M10 love has been collecting all sorts of interesting information lately, and he has asked me to bring these few snippets / bits and pieces to your attention.


Evil?

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total
quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few
seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the
microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the
quiet... 'Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya fookin evil bastard!'






Accolade?

In a small rural Victorian town near a world renown climbing destination, they have a weekly climbing partners seminar. At the session last week, the Convenor asked Mr (name suppressed to protect him from a Chockstone flaming), who was approaching his 30th trad climbing anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay friendly with the same belay partner all these years.

Mr (golden-hair/// no, no, must remember to suppress) X, pondered for a moment then replied to the assembled climbers, "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her and all that, but best of all is that I took her to Sydney for our 5th anniversary !"

The Convenor responded, "Mr X, you are an amazing inspiration to all the climbers here! Please tell us what you are planning for your belayer for your 30th anniversary"

Mr X proudly replied, "I'm gonna go back and get her!"





The Global Facts - At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely person is reading Chockstone...
- You hang in there sunshine!












Derek my M10 love says he also found this interesting thought for the day, to share with you all.




“A South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ and who don't have enough sex, always read their computer screen while holding the mouse”.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.










Capt_mulch
12-Dec-2008
11:58:39 AM
A European missionary was looking after the ministrations of a small village in the deepest, darkest Solomon Islands. He was the only whitey for many miles around, but didn't seem to mind as he was happy to be carrying out so many good works. One day, the village chief's wife gave birth to a baby, which was obviously very white. The chief became very cranky, and dragged the missionary outside. "What the hell has been happening here?!!!", demanded the chief. "W... well", stammered the missionary. "See these goats here?". He pointed to the mixed breed village goats which were penned up near by. "God moves in mysterious ways", he explained. "Sometimes he makes the goats white, sometimes he makes them black". The chief calmed down and thought about it for a while, then looked somewhat guilty. "OK", said the chief. "I won't say anything about the child if you don't say anything about the goats!!".

evanbb
12-Dec-2008
12:11:54 PM
This is a little bit cerebral, but most Chockers will get it I'd say......


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer.

The barman looks along the line and says "You guys are all dikkheads." Pours 2 beers and tells them to fukk off.

Capt_mulch
12-Dec-2008
1:07:52 PM
So the barman was Adam Spencer??
lacto
12-Dec-2008
3:20:33 PM
obviously the Nati Dragon chasing away business .5 +.333 +.25 +.2 +.016666 +.142 is certailymore than 2 beers

evanbb
12-Dec-2008
3:35:38 PM
On 12/12/2008 lacto wrote:
.5 +.333 +.25 +.2 +.016666
>+.142 is certailymore than 2 beers

Got to halve it each time, not 1/(n+1)

ajfclark
12-Dec-2008
3:49:06 PM
So it's the sum of the progression 1/2(n-1).

evanbb
12-Dec-2008
4:02:56 PM
On 12/12/2008 ajfclark wrote:
>So it's the sum of the progression 1/2(n-1).

Ahhhh, I think it should be the lim n--->infinity of 1/2(n+1) not -1. But really, there isn't an infinite number of mathematicians.
devlin66
12-Dec-2008
4:21:00 PM
Thank phuk for that!!

ajfclark
12-Dec-2008
4:42:25 PM
On 12/12/2008 evanbb wrote:
>Ahhhh, I think it should be the lim n--->infinity of 1/2(n+1) not -1. But really, there isn't an infinite number of mathematicians.

The sequence is: 1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + ... + ?

20 = 1

So it's 1/2(n-1) not 1/2(n+1).

You're right that there can't be an infinite number of mathematicians, so in practice the amount of beer dispensed could never be two full glasses. Therefore the publican was overly generous (with the beer at least, pouring 1/128th of a glass and then washing the glass probably costs more than the sale would generate).

Cookie
12-Dec-2008
5:16:50 PM
maths, on a friday arvo.... phuk that. *wanders off to have a bevvie*

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