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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

 Page 8 of 61. Messages 1 to 20 | 21 to 40 | 41 to 60 | 61 to 80 | 81 to 100 | 101 to 120 | 121 to 140 | 141 to 160 | 161 to 180 | 181 to 200 | 201 to 220 | 221 to 240 | 241 to 260 | 261 to 280 | 281 to 300 | 301 to 320 | 321 to 340 | 341 to 360 | 361 to 380 | 381 to 400 | 401 to 420 | 421 to 440 | 441 to 460 | 461 to 480 | 481 to 500 | 501 to 520 | 521 to 540 | 541 to 560 | 561 to 580 | 581 to 600 | 601 to 620 | 621 to 640 | 641 to 660 | 661 to 680 | 681 to 700 | 701 to 720 | 721 to 740 | 741 to 760 | 761 to 780 | 781 to 800 | 801 to 820 | 821 to 840 | 841 to 860 | 861 to 880 | 881 to 900 | 901 to 920 | 921 to 940 | 941 to 960 | 961 to 980 | 981 to 1000 | 1001 to 1020 | 1021 to 1040 | 1041 to 1060 | 1061 to 1080 | 1081 to 1100 | 1101 to 1120 | 1121 to 1140 | 1141 to 1160 | 1161 to 1180 | 1181 to 1200 | 1201 to 1204
Author
Friday Funnies

muki
12-Jul-2008
8:58:31 AM
Dom I don't want all the pilgrims in the arena, just the pedophile Catholic priests, and if the lions get full,
then bring out the gladiators and feed them on suicide bombers and terrorists, And as far as being
politicly correct goes, I don't care if there Islamic, Muhammadin, or Hajj..... you can't get fairer than that.
If only we could get rid of our politicians in the same way, but they're just too boring for the arena.

IdratherbeclimbingM9
12-Jul-2008
8:20:56 PM
On 11/07/2008 dom wrote:
>Can't even imagine how quickly I would get banned from this site if I made
>the same comments about Islam, Muhammad and the Hajj.

Interesting comment.
Perhaps this is why we Chockstoners can get away with flaming on our own (religion?), internet climbing fraternity??
[Aggressive affection?? ... ~> I need to ask simey his opinion, as he seems to have copped more than his share lately ;-)].
hero
12-Jul-2008
9:06:41 PM
Non denominational in my disbelief. Quite happy to make jokes about the beliefs of Muslims, Buddhists, Catholics, Jews, etc ad nauseum. To quote the Dead Kennedy's "All religions make me wanna throw up." I am not opposed to the groups on racial reasons I just think they are wrong for believing in God.

http://www.sickipedia.org/cat.php

knock yourself out




throwback
12-Jul-2008
11:17:54 PM
>http://www.sickipedia.org/cat.php

Gold

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
18-Jul-2008
2:18:04 PM
Hello dearies it is Friday again and I have found a quaint little joke.
It is possibly funny for some, but in Derek my M10 loves case it is sad, because he found the circumstance to be true!





Riddle.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer below.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*





Stop drinking and get off the merry-go-round.
widewetandslippery
18-Jul-2008
2:32:30 PM
how long does it take for a baby to blow up in a microwave?

dunno, to busy jerking off.

evanbb
18-Jul-2008
2:56:58 PM
Oh dear. I'm ashamed to have laughed so much at that.

Wonder if I could get my wife to stick that up on a wall at work somewhere, in the Delivery Suite of Nepean Hospital...
hero
18-Jul-2008
4:12:49 PM
Ok, My favourite joke of all time. Why have elephants got Big Ears?




Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

evanbb
18-Jul-2008
4:39:56 PM
Well, if we're telling bad jokes:

How do you catch a rabbit?

Hide behind a bush and make a noise like lettuce.



What game do you play with a wombat?

Wom.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
1-Aug-2008
12:36:34 PM
Yoohoo dearies. Derek my M10 love has found himself caught out trying to sandbag the lovely Chockstone moderators again, but he is ever so philosophical about it. He says it will give him more time to talk about boy things and lost opportunities with our nephew Benjamin. Derek loves a good sandbag he does, but he thinks the price to be paid for it can sometimes be a bit high. Anyway in his cheerful manner he has found this little joke in that flavour for me to post on his behalf for this Fridays Funny addition.







**Rrriiiiinnnnggg,rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**








**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**








**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**








**After a brief pause,**








**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**








**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**








Brief Pause.







**'Uh,okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway..'**







**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**






**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**






**'I did it, Daddy.'**





**'And what happened, honey?' **




'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**








**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**








**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**








**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**








**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**








**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**








*****Long Pause*****









*****Longer Pause*****









*****Even Longer Pause*****








**Then Daddy says,**








**'Swimming pool? ...........**








**Is this 03 486-572319?'*














**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*



Capt_mulch
1-Aug-2008
3:18:23 PM
Droll...

IdratherbeclimbingM9
1-Aug-2008
5:52:56 PM
On 1/08/2008 Capt_mulch wrote:
>Droll...

I think it is spelt with a 'T'....

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
8-Aug-2008
12:29:16 PM
Now, now, Mr IdratherbeclimbingM9 you are becoming cynical in your latter years! and as for young Mr Capt_mulch you probably are still on a high after playing with your new gear in the quarry so I will skip over your lack of humour.


In fact Iíd say it is all in how you see things?
Here are a couple of examples.





George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by G*d.

G*d informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in
this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was
destroying the Earth in three days.

They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell
their friends and colleagues what was happening. G*d did tell them
though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.

So, George W. went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for
you. First the good news . . . there is a G*d. The bad news is that he
is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Vladimir went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news.
The first was . . . there is a G*d. The second was that he is destroying
the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good
news. First . . . G*d thinks I am one of the three most important people
in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows Vista."









One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'

The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'


'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'


The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.

'You better believe it!'

'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like t o gamble.'

'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'


'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'

'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

The demon said, 'You gay?'

'No.'

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'



wallwombat
8-Aug-2008
1:05:37 PM
On 18/07/2008 evanbb wrote:
>What game do you play with a wombat?
>
>Wom.

Easy, big fella!

Capt_mulch
8-Aug-2008
2:08:39 PM
>as for young Mr Capt_mulch you probably are still on a high
>after playing with your new gear in the quarry so I will skip over your
>lack of humour.
>
On the contrary, I've asked all my friends and they think I am quite funny (though they did say "Not as in ha-ha"). I also don't think that you can come down from the high of bashing a few pitons...

............................................

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, 'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred? '

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have
sex until late at night. The next day it starts again. '

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Mildura.'

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
15-Aug-2008
4:35:41 PM
Aahh Mr Capt_mulch you do have a sense of humour!
I did like that one.

Here is a joke-tip from Derek my M10 love if you are catholic and run out of petrol on the way to the Piles this weekend.




Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol.

As luck would have it, a petrol station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can and buy some petrol.

The attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the road.

One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'



hero
15-Aug-2008
4:50:26 PM
One religious joke deserves another:

Lucky

Jacob is one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. Heís now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he's been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one Ė a prize of $10 million, and a journalist from the Times calls on him for a story.

Jacob tells him, "As I'm the only one in my family to have survived concentration camp, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So I've decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Centre, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I'm also thinking of donating $1 from my pocket to the Nazi party."

The journalist is surprised. "But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything thatís happened to you and your family?"

Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, "Itís only fair. They gave me the numbers."

simey
15-Aug-2008
5:16:10 PM
While we are on religous jokes...

When the Pope recently visited Australia, why did he use Randwick as the venue?

So he could legally ride three-year-olds.
-deano-
15-Aug-2008
7:36:02 PM
Mother F**ker


Amber, a 16 year old Catholic girl goes to confession.

Amber: I called a boy a mother f---er last night.
Priest: Why did you do that?
Amber: He kissed me.

The priest bent over and kissed her.

Priest: like that?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother f---er?
Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.

The priest grabbed her butt.

Priest: like this?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother f---er?
Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.

The priest then pulled her pants down.

Priest: like this?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother f---er?
Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.

The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.

Priest: Like this?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother f---er?
Amber: no.

Priest: then why did you call him a mother f---er?

Amber: He had herpes!

Priest: That MOTHER f---ER!
-deano-
15-Aug-2008
7:40:14 PM
booo!! for censorship.
hmph, well this one is cleaner (and cleverer):

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.

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