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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

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Author
Friday Funnies

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
15-Feb-2013
3:17:34 PM
>Senior sex

Ahh Mr simey, you are finally getting sufficiently old that you are beginning to understand that senior sex can be like aid climbing, and whatever works is good!
Derek my M10 love, is yelling out in the background to tell you, that since there is no decent money to be made in writing guidebooks, the fence is good to go when you can no longer afford to put a battery in your vibrator too dearie.









Where were we? Oh, that's right, I meant to talk about Common Sense today but Mr simey distracted me for a short while.

You'd think that everybody would have a little, but that's not always the case, so Derek my M10 love decided to help by finding the following;



Special Announcement: End-of-the-World Common Sense Kit. A runout special since the recent Mayan calendar prediction that the world will come to an end last December 21st. Recognizing our civic responsibility, we put together a special Common Sense package: with every Common Sense Kit we sell, we'll throw in a second Kit for FREE!!! That's right, you get 2-for-1. Talk about a sweet deal!!! This is a limited time offer which expires when we run out of kits, or upon the next end of the world, whichever comes first.

We've had a number of customers ask where they could get some good-old-fashioned Common Sense, the kind their grandparents had. They want it for themselves, or for family members, or as a special gift for one of their climbing friends.
Recognising the need and rising to the challenge, the Staff at Best Results put together a simple but surprisingly effective Common Sense Kit. Features include:
* Storage pouch - keeps your Common Sense clean, dry, and neatly organized.
* Easy to install - just slip it in that empty space between your ears, no tools required.
* Small size - quickly folds up, requires no extra space, take it with you anywhere you go.
* Expandable - stretches to cover every situation, returns to original size when you're finished.
* Lightweight - weighs next to nothing, even when solving heavy problems.
* Adaptable - unisex design, one size fits all, gender neutral, and suitable for all ages.
* Fashionable - comes in every colour, matches any style, compliments any wardrobe.

Here's what each Kit contains:
* A short list of the most important things your parents taught you as a small child.
* A long list of the things you were taught in school, but quickly forgot.
* A list of do's and don'ts that cover most social situations, including those really awkward moments when people stop talking about you as you approach.
* A list of do's and don'ts that cover the basics of climbing, including gear placement, rope management technique, bouldering in KT26 runners to make an impression, climbing with a helmet, and much more.
* Amusing anecdotes featuring real people who actually used some measure of Common Sense in their daily lives.
* An easy-to-follow flow chart that's helpful for solving simple problems that you managed to make more difficult than necessary.
* Warning stickers to identify any truly complex tasks that should be left for a professional.
* Adhesive placards for the "Directionally Challenged". Titles include: Up, Down, Left, Right, North, South, This-way-to-camp, That-way-to-get-home, Right-is-tight, Left-is-loose, Fuel-tank-is-on-reserve-and-it's-100-kilometres-to-the-next-service-station, and more. Please specify if you require any specialized placards - additional fees may apply.
* Medic Alert bracelet to warn emergency medical personnel that you suffer from Common Sense Deficiency Syndrome (CSDS). Don't worry, they're trained and know what to do for your condition.

Each kit contains enough Common Sense to last for several weeks. Most customers achieve immediate results after a single application. Those with bouldering I.Q.'s usually require several doses before achieving any results.

Apply Common Sense sparingly - a little goes a long way. It's a rare and valuable commodity, so don't waste it or use it unless you really need it. Over-application does not provide any additional results.

Discontinue use if a rash develops or if you experience symptoms including dizziness, confusion, or brain paralysis. Those with chronic CSDS should consult their physician to determine if Common Sense is appropriate for their medical situation.

Most customers report very good results with the Common Sense Kit, which is why we we get so many repeat orders. Unfortunately we can't guarantee that the Kit will work for everyone, so we can't offer refunds or provide exchanges. After your first application you may discover you're that you're Common Sense Intolerant (CSI). Some people are, they always will be, and nobody can help them... not even the staff of trained professionals who work at Best-Results Products.

Supplies are limited so place your order now. Sorry, only 3 kits per Customer. No hoarding allowed, don't be selfish. Leave some for those who are really in need.

Dealer Inquiries Welcome - we want to get this Kit out to as many people as possible. Millions need it but very few have it. Your business can benefit from having customers who use this product.

Please pay by (spam link moderated by MrsM10 so as not to upset the lovely Mods).

http://www.bestrestproducts.com/images/document/Certificate%20of%20Common%20Sense.pdf

simey
15-Feb-2013
3:40:41 PM
On 15/02/2013 jodestar wrote:
>
>

I've seen this ad before but I can't remember where. It's a gem. Pity you can't upload the photo to a larger size. Makes it hard to read the text which is definitely worth a read.

I've actually found myself in this situation quite a lot over the years with struggling seconds.

As for Drummond climbing sweaters... I have found them to be a ticket to many passionate encounters at the cliff. Women can't get enough of them.

jodestar
15-Feb-2013
3:51:25 PM

>Pity you can't upload the photo to a larger size. Makes it hard to read the
>text which is definitely worth a read.>

Yeah, pity. But the original one I had was already crap resolution :-(


>As for Drummond climbing sweaters... I have found them to be a ticket
>to many passionate encounters at the cliff. Women can't get enough of them.
>
Hell yeah! I personally cannot get enough of a man in the belted variety. Especially with knee-high socks over the top of pants - it doubles as good taste + conveniently removes the irritating pant legs interfering with climbing. Oh how I long to be in the kitchen preparing hearty meals and ironing for a man just like the one on the right in the picture.

shortman
15-Feb-2013
4:01:43 PM
On 15/02/2013 One Day Hero wrote:
>We eventually hope to write the entire DCA charter in this font........however,
>this abbreviated version will give you the gist.
>
>
>
>
>
Just in case people missed it...this seemed like an appropriate place.
simey
15-Feb-2013
4:13:37 PM
On 15/02/2013 jodestar wrote:

>Hell yeah! I personally cannot get enough of a man in the belted variety.
>Especially with knee-high socks over the top of pants - it doubles as good
>taste + conveniently removes the irritating pant legs interfering with
>climbing. Oh how I long to be in the kitchen preparing hearty meals and
>ironing for a man just like the one on the right in the picture.

You are not the only one! It's amazing the number of single women moving to Natimuk in search of such a relationship. This is why I am always giving advice to the single guys in town who seem to think that women want something different.



jodestar
15-Feb-2013
4:19:47 PM
>You are not the only one! It's amazing the number of single women moving
>to Natimuk in search of such a relationship. This is why I am always giving
>advice to the single guys in town who seem to think that women want something
>different.
>
Wow, you are THE saviour to women. I really cannot thank you enough :-)
simey
15-Feb-2013
4:26:35 PM
Well that's why guys lacking confidence need my advice. And it starts with how they look and what they wear...

If you were at the Lactic Factory, who are you going to notice? Some dude with try-hard tattoos and piercings grovelling around on some shitty sit-start problem? Or some dude who strides in confidently wearing his Drummond belted climbing sweater and carrying an ice-axe who immediately hacks his way up the wall with real purpose?

I know who I would be watching. It even gets me aroused just thinking about it.



jodestar
15-Feb-2013
4:31:48 PM
:-) and your talents extend beyond guiding the young men of today to better appeal to women... I see you are also highly skilled at the art femme-erotic literature. 50 shades of Drummonds

>If you were at the Lactic Factory, who are you going to notice? Some dude
>with try-hard tattoos and piercings grovelling around on some shitty sit-start
>problem? Or some dude who strides in confidently wearing his Drummond belted
>climbing sweater and carrying an ice-axe who immediately hacks his way
>up the wall with real purpose?
>
>I know who I would be watching. It even gets me aroused just thinking
>about it.
>
>
>

IdratherbeclimbingM9
15-Feb-2013
4:32:48 PM
On 15/02/2013 jodestar wrote:
>>On 15/02/2013 simey wrote:
>>>On 15/02/2013 jodestar wrote:
>>>Hell yeah! I personally cannot get enough of a man in the belted variety.
>>>Especially with knee-high socks over the top of pants - it doubles as good
>>>taste + conveniently removes the irritating pant legs interfering with
>>>climbing. Oh how I long to be in the kitchen preparing hearty meals and
>>>ironing for a man just like the one on the right in the picture.
>
>>You are not the only one! It's amazing the number of single women moving
>>to Natimuk in search of such a relationship. This is why I am always giving
>>advice to the single guys in town who seem to think that women want something
>>different.
>
>Wow, you are THE saviour to women. I really cannot thank you enough :-)

"Oh my darling, my dear dear girl," said mildredmademiserable, back in 2007 ...
Heh, heh, heh.
simey
15-Feb-2013
4:42:14 PM
Gee M9, your ability to remember this shit and then be able to drag it up again is phenomenal.



IdratherbeclimbingM9
15-Feb-2013
4:55:32 PM
On 15/02/2013 simey wrote:
>Gee M9, your ability to remember this shit and then be able to drag it up again is phenomenal.
>
The only place I get to practise these days is on Chockstone, apart from when I am out aid climbing that is...
Hehx3 ;-)

jodestar
15-Feb-2013
4:59:43 PM
On 15/02/2013 jodestar wrote:
>:-) and your talents extend beyond guiding the young men of today to
>better appeal to women... I see you are also highly skilled at the art
>femme-erotic literature. 50 shades of Drummonds


post edit... fifty shades of simey


>
>>If you were at the Lactic Factory, who are you going to notice? Some
>dude
>>with try-hard tattoos and piercings grovelling around on some shitty
>sit-start
>>problem? Or some dude who strides in confidently wearing his Drummond
>belted
>>climbing sweater and carrying an ice-axe who immediately hacks his way
>>up the wall with real purpose?
>>
>>I know who I would be watching. It even gets me aroused just thinking
>>about it.
>>
>>
>>

IdratherbeclimbingM9
15-Feb-2013
5:09:16 PM
On 15/02/2013 jodestar wrote:
>post edit... fifty shades of simey
>
Laughed out aloud!
~> It is Friday Funnies thread after all!

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
22-Feb-2013
1:36:07 PM
On 15/02/2013 Mr simey wrote:
>Well that's why guys lacking confidence need my advice. And it starts with how they look and what they wear...

This is very true dearie, take it from me that us of the opposite sex notice these things, but be careful about any advice your mother may give you. Even Derek my M10 love tries occasionally to keep the standard up to the mark. In fact he was at the barber shop the other day and told me the following conversation he overheard.






The Wooden Ball.


An aging golden haired boulderer decides it is time to spruce himself up properly in the hope of improving his low scoring average, so he walks into a Horsham barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old boulderer tells the barber that that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."




Dress sense.

The Cattlemen's Association of Queensland were holding their big Triennial Conference, and had chosen to meet this time in the South-West, at the town of Thargomindah.
It was a big deal . . . and even bigger because they'd managed to get Prince Charles as Introductory Speaker.
Such a large number of Cattlemen came, that it was necessary to have an outdoor venue, right next to the Sales Yards.

Prince Charles mounted to the top of the highest loading ramp, and looked out over the sea of Akubras.
He began to speak about cattle and cattle-raising, about methane and Global Warming, about biodiversity and conservation.
The crowd was absolutely silent. Every eye was fixed on the Prince: or possibly on his hat, which was a peculiarly furry specimen, of russet hue, and with a foxtail hanging down at the rear and blowing this and that way in the breeze.

Much later, in the coolness of the local pub, Prince Charles was having a drink with the Organizing Committee.
"Rather surprised," said the Prince, "How well my speech went over. Was afraid it might have been a bit controversial in places. But at the end, there wasn't a single question from the audience. A pleasure to see everyone agreeing with me on these important topics."

"Well actually, Sir," said the Association President, "There was one question that a lot of the fellows were wondering about. They've delegated me to ask you about that very unusual hat you have. They've never seen anything like it before."

"My hat?" queried Prince Charles, "It is a rather special one, don't you think? Pure foxskin, presented to me by one of my Scottish tenants.
My mother thought it would suit the occasion.
You know, I have more than a hundred hats, and often it's difficult to select the one which is just right.
But my mother has an unerring judgement in these matters, and I find I can rely upon her to make an immediate decision as to which hat is the exactly right choice.
For my trip to Australia, I was quite undecided about what to wear, so I telephoned the Palace and spoke with her.
"Mother," I said, "Would you please advise me about what hat I should wear. I am flying out tomorrow, to address the Cattlemen's Conference at Thargomindah."

And you know, she answered me with hardly a moment's pause :
'Thargomindah? Wear the fox hat.”


technogeekery
26-Feb-2013
4:37:58 PM
On 15/02/2013 simey wrote:
>I've seen this ad before but I can't remember where. It's a gem. Pity
>you can't upload the photo to a larger size. Makes it hard to read the
>text which is definitely worth a read.

bigger...just for you.


ajfclark
1-Mar-2013
7:31:26 AM

jodestar
1-Mar-2013
11:15:29 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht7fTjZ1YrY

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
1-Mar-2013
1:47:28 PM
Hello Chockerstone lovelies.
Derek my M10 love has tired a bit lately of the ongoing bickering about bolts and stuff on this site interesting as that is, and has spent a lot more time at the pub than usual as a result.
He has been telling me all sorts of pub talk regarding that horrible shooting incident in South Africa. A lot of it is not politically correct, but if listened to in light hearted fashion (as I often have to do when Derek comes home pissed), it contains some humour and grains of truth too I suspect, so here are some of his ramblings repeated for others to chuckle at.


When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like an abled bodied athlete, who would have thought he meant OJ Simpson?

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

I’m struggling to find any of my usual porn.
Now when I google “f---ed African amputee” all I get is stories about Oscar Pistorius.

Apparently Oscar wanted to paint the bathroom door, but she was dead against it.

Well I guess we should count ourselves lucky Oscar Pistorius was competing in the men’s 400m at the Olympics, and not starting it.

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

Things aren’t that bad, for Oscar Pistorius.
He has the court’s best car parking space.

It’s hard not to envy Oscar Pistorius’s girlfriend.
I’ve never seen anyone receive so many flowers on valentines day.

What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

As well as losing his legs it seems Oscar Pistorius also lost the ability to shout…
“Hey Reeva is that you in the bathroom having a shit?”

Oscar Pistorius’ favourite band has always been ‘Bullet For My Valentine’

Oscar Pistorius has said he won’t be entering any further races.
I think he has to worry more about different races entering him, once he’s in prison.

And the Oscar goes to ......(drumroll)...... JAIL

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her ... it was the silence of the limbs.

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa ... White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Oscar Pistorius's legal defence? - he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.
Footprints.


What did Oscar Pistorius get for Valentine's day?... 20 years.

Breaking news: Oscar Pistorius named in South African shooting team for 2016 Olympics.

It must have been dark when Oscar Pitorius shot his girlfriend ...
He said he couldn't see two feet in front of him.

Shame about Oscar Pistorius, ... the man had the world at his knees.

Trying to surprise your partner on Valentines day? ... Worth a shot.

I take it Oscar Pistorius' girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines?

Oscar Pistorius, bringing a whole new meaning to 'taking your girlfriend out on
Valentines day'.

Newspaper headline: Unarmed girlfriend shot dead by unlegged boyfriend

Word of the day: 'pistorius' meaning 'handy with a pistol'

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius.
I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

New revelations in the Oscar Pistorius case. Police found a cricket bat covered
in blood on the scene!
And a pair of stumps...

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

IdratherbeclimbingM9
10-Apr-2013
1:06:25 PM
... Not Friday, but who cares?

What your computer does, if it is not switched off overnight!

http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

~> click on play and watch the mouse do it's thing!


MrsM10iswhereitsat.
19-Apr-2013
12:36:23 PM
Hello lovely Chockstoners. Hasn’t there been a lot of carping on about bolts and such like on Chockstone lately? Derek my M10 love says it really doesn’t amount to much as it is all just internet posturing until any real action happens.
He told me it is like the following funny, but I fail to see the humour in it myself, other than he likes biffo shows on TV;



The drunk


After spending all day in the local boozer, the barman finally had enough and ejected the town drunk at midnight.
The drunk was so tanked that when wobbling out the door he staggered, tripped and fell face forward onto the pavement outside with a thud.
As the drunk tried to get to his feet he spied a nun (black and white habit and all) walking towards him.
The drunk, finally on his feet, set off at a rapid pace towards the nun and when he arrived cleaned her up with the best shirt front you would ever want to see. He proceeded to pick her up and unleashed fury against the poor nun with endless kicks and punches until she was bloodied and battered and all but out on her feet.
The drunk then leaned in real close to the nun and whispered in her ear.........."not so friggin tough tonight are ya Batman!"









Maybe the posturing would be more effective if those engaging in it got a lesson from Paddy?




Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.

I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by,
covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?

' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate ... the potato goes in the front!'

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