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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

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Author
Friday Funnies

ajfclark
7-Jun-2013
8:20:40 PM

IdratherbeclimbingM9
11-Jun-2013
2:03:38 PM
I laughed at that.
I also suspect that anyone married, or in a long term relationship, would too!
Heh, heh, heh.

Capt_mulch
11-Jun-2013
3:55:08 PM
>Does this mean that people have created links back to this site, and the
>network has grown over time, or does it mean that there are heaps of lurkers
>on this site, or less likely, the logged in users view the site more than
>once?
>
>I doubt any other registered users other than ajf would be interested
>in this queer statistic! ;-)
>Heh, heh, heh.

Send me the website logs and I'll do the analysis!! Hey, that's not a joke :-) I'm interested too.

IdratherbeclimbingM9
11-Jun-2013
4:28:39 PM
On 11/06/2013 Capt_mulch wrote:
>Send me the website logs and I'll do the analysis!! Hey, that's not a joke :-) I'm interested too.

Website logs? I am a simple user of the site, but have a (generally) keen eye for observation, so it is just something I have observed over time, but occuring on frequent occasions.
Maybe contact Mike (site author) for logs?

IdratherbeclimbingM9
14-Jun-2013
9:55:09 AM
Back on topic...
The following reminds me of some of the mis-communication that sometimes happens on this internet site!
Heh, heh, heh.




ajfclark
14-Jun-2013
10:38:36 AM
I've always heard it as "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

ajfclark
21-Jun-2013
3:05:51 PM
I've heard of Kegel, but this is ridiculous:


MrsM10iswhereitsat.
21-Jun-2013
3:54:04 PM
I think that thieving young lass is wearing a harness under her skirt Mr ajfclark. One with preslung prussik loops perhaps?

Yoo hoo Mr dalai, Mr Duang Daunk told Derek my M10 love in the pub the other night that he heard a rumour that you might be applying for a position with the Nati Rams. Not slowing up at all are we dearie? I wouldn't worry about it to much though, as not everything one hears in the pub is true. Take the following that a couple of my friends experienced as an example.

HELEN AND LEANNE ARE OUT HAVING A COFFEE AND CATCHING UP.

So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, Kevin wolfed down in four minutes the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, granted me three minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep two minutes later. Nightmare! And you?

Oh, mine was incredible. Graeme was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late. It was wonderful.

MEANWHILE, KEVIN AND GRAEME WERE AT THE PUB

So, how was your evening last night, Kevin?

Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. You?

A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when Helen arrived I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was fine but was so expensive I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f***ing candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing ....... total disaster!!













Yoo hoo Mr Stugang, or is it Mr Eduardo Slabovic these days? I see apart from an identity crisis you still like bum jokes dearie, but in the interest of possibly opening your horizons when you keep the irritation levels up for the lovely mods of this site, Derek my M10 love suggests you think about the following item he asked me to post for you after he read your comment about pushing logs out.



The Captain of an English rumrunner merchantman was happily sailing his way around the place and over the horizon his lookout spies a Pirate ship bearing down on them. The Captain orders for all the canvas possible to be raised but it becomes quickly obvious that their ship is not going to be able to outrun the pirates and the Captain calls his crew to arms and battle stations. He explains to the crew their dire situation and that they will have to fight for their lives. He then turns to his first mate and asks him to fetch from his cabin his bright, red, silk shirt.

After the ensuing violent, bloody and successful battle the first mate asks the Captain "Why did you ask for your red shirt wouldn't that have made you a target for the pirates?"
"Well son if I was to get injured at all crew would loose heart and not fight as they needed, this way they would not know anything was wrong if I was hurt and so we won."

The mate duly thought on this wisdom and put it away for when one day he to would be Captain.

Well in the next tour of duty several months later the lookout spies 6 pirate ships over the horizon bearing down, they raise canvas but alas their ship is just to slow and the the Captain once again calls the crew to arms and encourages to them to fight gallantly and with courage as once before.

The mate asks "Captain shall I fetch your red shirt once more?"

"No mate you had best get me my BROWN PANTS!!!!!!"




If that did not strike an accord with you, he knows you will appreciate the bluntness contained in the following one.



How do you seat four Nati Ram lovers on a bar stool...???

Turn it upside down!






MrsM10iswhereitsat.
28-Jun-2013
1:05:33 PM
Derek my M10 love decided to try a bit of footie diversification the other day after seeing that mural in a paddock beside the airfield that caused such a commotion.
He met up with with a NZ mate of his who he hadn't seen for some time, and who later told him the following story as feedback about health issues they had discussed earlier before the match.
I thought it was funny, and maybe you will too.



Cuzzy/bro, who also likes to boulder out Nati way, was in Melbourne to see a test match between the Lions and the Aussies.

He had been feeling a bit sore "down there" recently and decided to also see a Fitzroy Street specialist, who after an examination told him he would have to remove Nati boulderers testicles.

Nati boulderer was incensed. "No way you`re doing that," he said "I`m going to see a real doctor."

When Nati boulderer got home, he found a kiwi doctor in Horsham, and went to see him. The doctor also had a bit of a prod around and said, "bad news bro, I`m going to have cut your balls off".

"Is that all? Nati boulderer said, relieved, "that`s ok then, that other bastard wanted to take my test tickets off me".

BA
29-Jun-2013
11:33:20 AM
On 28/06/2013 MrsM10iswhereitsat. wrote:
>Derek my M10 love decided to try a bit of footie diversification the other
>day after seeing that mural in a paddock beside the airfield that caused
>such a commotion.

And how many people noticed that the kangaroo was mating with a MALE lion?

What does that say about the sexuality of Australian rugby players?

IdratherbeclimbingM9
29-Jun-2013
12:01:14 PM
>that mural in a paddock beside the airfield that caused such a commotion.



MrsM10iswhereitsat.
5-Jul-2013
11:49:21 AM
Thank you for the picture Mr M9, as it helps illustrate the comments well.

On 29/06/2013 Mr BA wrote:
>On 28/06/2013 MrsM10iswhereitsat. wrote:
>>Derek my M10 love decided to try a bit of footie diversification the other
>>day after seeing that mural in a paddock beside the airfield that caused
>>such a commotion.
>
>And how many people noticed that the kangaroo was mating with a MALE lion?
>
>
>What does that say about the sexuality of Australian rugby players?

Or bookies for that matter too Mr BA.
Derek my M10 love thought you were suggesting he is some kind of perverse diverse for going to a rugby game. I won’t tell you what he told me to reply to you when he read your post, but for the record dearie, the gist of it was that the roo is using the lion rather than meaningful bonding due there being no love involved! Which bought to mind this old joke.





Chinese bride.


A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.


"My darring" he says, "I know dis yoo firss time and you berry fwighten. I pwamis yoo, I gib yoo anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss ask...Anyting yoo wan. Whatchoo wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try someping I have hear about... Numbaa 69."


More thoughtful silence...this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...


"Yoo wan... Chicken wiff Broccori??


capt_mulch
5-Jul-2013
5:19:56 PM
Good one MrsM10 - it reminds me of a joke.

A family on the Weather Coast of Guadalcanal had experienced the worst weather in years and most of their gardens had been washed away. The father sends his eldest son on the long trek over the mountain to Honiara to see their relatives and pick up a bag of rice and carton of tinned tuna.

Said son turns up at the wantoks house on Sunday morning, but it's super quiet as most of the family had gone to church. He hears a noise from one of the bedrooms, but the door is closed, so he peaks through the keyhole.
He spots the head of the family with wife in bed full swing in a 69. He is puzzled for a while, then leaves and does the big trek home empty handed.

When he reaches the village his father asks him where the food is. "Don't worry about us", says the son, "they're so hungry in Honiara they're eating each other!".

Sounds better in pidgin after about 4 beers :-)
climberman
6-Jul-2013
10:43:49 AM
On 5/07/2013 capt_mulch wrote:
>Good one MrsM10 - it reminds me of a joke.


Smooth.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
19-Jul-2013
3:55:36 PM
On 6/07/2013 Mr climberman wrote:
>On 5/07/2013 capt_mulch wrote:
>>Good one MrsM10 - it reminds me of a joke.
>
>
>Smooth.

And a smooth pickup too Mr climberman.

Derek my M10 love got sacked from his job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, "A meal for two with a terrible view" isn't the best way to announce number 69. He really is appalling sometimes. Just like his friend who cries after sex. Mind you, his friend is in prison.
Derek is not always that way though. Sometimes he is quite thoughtful, and just the other day he astonished me with his powers of deduction.

He mowed the lawn, and after doing so he sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally he thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, he came up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason that he told me for his conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

He rests his case, and says it’s time for another beer.





I have documented some of his thoughts over the years and created a Dereks' Top Tips list of them. Here they are for mass consumption, but beware, I haven't tried any of them out personally, so can't vouch for their effectiveness, however I am sure he means well.


Dereks' Top Tips.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the bloody thing in the first place.

Save on expensive booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again .

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, as that will reduce the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Subaru drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.




kieranl
19-Jul-2013
5:52:12 PM
Have to hand it to MrsM10. She has a definite air of je ne foie gras about her.

MrsM10iswhereitsat.
26-Jul-2013
2:01:14 PM
On 19/07/2013 Mr kieranl wrote:
>Have to hand it to MrsM10. She has a definite air of je ne foie gras about her.

Thank you Mr kieranl, I think, but non merci, je ne mange pas de foie gras, je suis contre le gavage des oies.

What’s the matter Mr kieranl? Are you feeling that what amuses Derek my M10 love is a little too base for your delicate sensitivities? He used to care, but takes a pill for that now, so how about some statistical humour then, as Derek my M10 love has come across the following that might appeal to you.


Funny stats, or humour of a higher level?


No New South Welshman has ever twittered that they have won a State of Origin series as it was not invented when they last won.

There’s a band called 1023Mb – they haven’t had a gig yet.

Programmer’s wife tells him “go to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen” Programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife asks “is it a boy or a girl” Logician replies “yes”.

2 scientists walk into a bar. First one says “I’ll have some H2O” 2nd scientist says “I’ll have some H2O too”. 2nd scientist dies.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.

Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. Roman replies “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it.”

There are only two hard things in computer science – cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas - ‘cos Oct 31 = Dec 25

Einstein, Newton and Pascal playing hide and seek. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square in front of Einstein then stands in the middle. Einstein reaches 10 and opens his eyes, sees Newton immediately – “Found you, you’re it!” Newton smiles and says “no, you found a Newton per square metre, you found Pascal”.

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says “Sorry we don’t server noble gases here” He didn’t react.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don’t.

How do you tell the difference between an Oral Thermometer and an Anal Thermometer ?
... The taste.




Oh, and Derek tells me that he would like to apologise to anyone that he hasn't offended.
Please be patient, he will get to you sooner or later.


Eduardo Slabofvic
26-Jul-2013
2:13:08 PM
Those jokes made me have some triple point action in my trousers.

shortman
26-Jul-2013
2:55:20 PM
I think you are having a particularly bad week MrsM10orWhateveritis.
prb
26-Jul-2013
3:13:33 PM
M9 can let me know if this one has appeared before on here:

Two women friends had gone out for a girls' night out and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the c--ktails. Whilst incredibly drunk and walking home, they both needed to pee and, since there was a nearby graveyard, one of them suggested they squat behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. However, her friend was wearing expensive underwear and didn’t want to ruin hers, so she salvaged a large ribbon from a wreath and proceeded to wipe herself with it. The two of them then made their way home.

The next day, the first woman’s husband phoned the other husband and said, 'These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!' 'That’s nothing,' said the other. 'Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you.’

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