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Chockstone Forum - General Discussion

General Climbing Discussion

 Page 1 of 8. Messages 1 to 20 | 21 to 40 | 41 to 60 | 61 to 80 | 81 to 100 | 101 to 120 | 121 to 140 | 141 to 151
Dear Simey
9:31:24 AM
With Simey being nearly constantly on-line at the moment, and given his wide experience of climbing,
relationships and sex, I thought we should have a Dear Simey forum. I will kick it off.

Dear Simey

About 6 months ago I had sex with my climbing partner at the hanging belay at the top of the first pitch of
some climb on Emu Rock. Now I had heard that if you have sex standing up you can't get pregnant. Well
let me tell you ... anyway, she got pregnant. This wouldn't have been so bad but she has since left me for
an aid climber. She says that he has more bongs than I do. This wouldn't have been so bad except that
she has told me that I am expected to sponsor the child's climbing career. This wouldn't be so bad except
that I have just lost my job as Steve Morris's dietician and I have no money. What should I do?
10:59:16 AM
Well Kanya, Iím glad that you have come to a true professional and havenít turned to the likes of Dr Phil, the Pope, or Bourge for enlightenment.

Firstly, I think you have found yourself in a fantastic predicament. The fact that the mother wants you to be involved with sponsoring the childís climbing career is certain to reap big dollars down the track. We all know how much money there is in climbing so when this child is cranking the desperates you will (as his/her manager) be taking a hefty percentage of all earnings and sponsorship money.

As for the mother who has left you for an aid climberÖ well I would completely forget her. Any woman who has such poor taste isnít worth pursuing. And donít let the child get too near the aid climber or they might suffer unspeakable damage. Personally I would choose child care by Michael Jackson in preference to some aid climber.

And lastlyÖ losing your job as Steve Morrisís dieticianÖ well Steve was a lost cause anyway, so just scrub it from your resume and look further a field. I hear Paris Hilton is searching for someone.

11:46:08 AM
Thanks so much Dear Simey. Things were getting desperate and I was considering solo aiding TipToe
Ridge as a way of ending it all. I feel much better now, knowing that you understand and care.

By the way, does Paris Hilton have any experience on hanging belays?
12:28:40 PM
Well I was chatting to Mark Philippoussis the other day (he seeks advice regularly on relationships and tennis) and I was asking him that very same question.

He wasn't too sure, but he did say that he and Paris were planning an ascent of Hard Rain at Buffalo soonish and that he was hoping to get it on at the first belay.

Phil Box
1:35:23 PM
Dr. Phil here, I feel so let down that I was not consulted for a second opinion at least. I can understand the Pope not being consulted cos he`s got a tube sticking out of his throat. Bourge has his own consulting room now so he`s easy to find.

5:44:33 PM
On 4/03/2005 simey wrote:
>As for the mother who has left you for an aid climberÖ well I would completely forget her. Any woman who has such poor taste isnít worth pursuing. And donít let the child get too near the aid climber or they might suffer unspeakable damage. Personally I would choose child care by Michael Jackson in preference to some aid climber.

On 22/02/05 2:33:46 PM simey wrote:
>I like this new trend of aid-climbing routes that were established free. I just hope that guidebooks start recording FAAs (First Aid Ascents). I might go bag a few FAAs in the Organ Pipes this arvo.

5:55:51 PM
dear simey,

i am a big bumbly who has had to resort to bouldering to pull the chicks. how can i pull chicks who like ropes better then mattresses?

6:09:22 PM
On 4/03/2005 tastybigmac wrote:
>dear simey,
>i am a big bumbly who has had to resort to bouldering to pull the chicks.
>how can i pull chicks who like ropes better then mattresses?

Perhaps I can answer that one for you Mac, or do we call you tasty?, while Dr Simey is away. I would join the University Mountaineering Club, and then try and pick up unsuspecting novice chicks on the introductory weekend at Araps. Get em whil they're fresh so they're easy to impress - that way you don't even have to be a good climber to look good, kid.


6:13:48 PM
Bourge, I couldn't have said it better myself.

But I would also like to point out to Mac that bouldering is very unsexy, almost as unsexy as aid-climbing. Putting an attractive young lass on a difficult boulder problem just so you can grab her around the waist when she falls off is very sleazy indeed. And then to cruise the boulder problem yourself afterwards... well just what are you are trying to do? Demoralise her completely?

You need to adopt the multi-pitch climbing experience. A lot of people only boulder because they haven't had the right teacher show them the ropes. Choose something impressive but well within her capabilities. Before you know it she will be gagging for some more of that Mac Magic both on and off the rock.

8:01:13 PM
As for M8iswhereitsat...

I think some counselling sessions are definitely in order. You will soon see the error of your ways.

Eduardo Slabofvic
5:11:33 PM
Dear Simey,

I am a sad and lonely old climber who hasnít been laid since 28 was the highest grade. So to make up for the emptiness in my life Iím going to go slam a few bolts in some poor unsuspecting rock somewhere. Should I use glue ins or carrots (for old times sake)?

6:12:52 PM
Dear Simey,

It was me that darling Kanya knocked up, he said I was "safe" but I must have misinterpreted.

I have left the aid climber, despite his impresively sized bongs, he did not seem to be able to place them correctly so was ultimately a huge disappointment. I've been seeing Steve Morris more recently but I'm finding being tied to the kitchen rather a drag. While I do love to cook, ten meals a day is rather excessive.

I have realised that small nuts when well placed are most satifying so would love to be re-united with Kanya. I've been putting some dole money away each fortnight to buy the baby it's first harness and I'm sure junior will provide for our retirements in due course.

Please talk to Kanya for me, I know he trusts and admires your judgement. I promise I will never rely on a skyhook again.
7:39:33 PM
So many requests for help... so little time to answer them all.

Don't do anything rash folks. I'll get back with some answers soon.

Eduardo Slabofvic
8:29:52 PM
Dear Simey,

Iím an anorexic stick insect sport climber with a spotty face and bad breath. I have tried all sorts of remedies to cure my affliction, but to no avail. Can you recommend a course of treatment that I can take to make me stop clipping bolts?
Fish Boy
12:11:36 AM
oh no..wait till Steve reads this...
9:11:53 AM
Let me get this straight... so you are a tired and lonely old anorexic sport-climber with a spotty face and bad breath who hasn't been laid since 1981? And you simultaneously want a cure to stop you clipping bolts and yet you also want to know whether you should be placing carrot bolts or glue-ins. Have I got this right?

Mmmm... this is a difficult case. I haven't seen such a troubled soul since Bourge staggered into my practice dressed in Koflachs, lingerie and confessed undying love for the Delaney daughters.

Firstly I don't think there is a cure for you. I suggest that you move to the Blue Mountains where you will fit right in.

9:32:34 AM
Well it is reassuring to hear that you have left the aid-climber. I was on the verge of calling in welfare services to ensure your safety. You might also need to take out a restraining order. Aid-climbers can be pesky at times and won't give up until they have tried every trick in the book.

As for getting back with Kanya, well I can only hope he reads your message prior to soloing Tiptoe Ridge.

Good luck with Junior. I have no doubt that he or she will be a little champ. Let's just hope that in years to come Junior will still be able to make the sort of money that today's top climbers enjoy.

10:47:29 AM
Thanks Simey :-)

The Aid climber is suitably restrained ie dynabolted in his porta ledge just below big grassy.

I've filled Steve's freezer so he should be OK for a day or two.

I'm off up tip toe ridge to catch my man!

Kanya, wait for meeeeeeeee
6:00:44 PM
Dear Simey
What should a lad do when he's finally got broadband in Nati and realises that all that it is good for is getting this rubbish faster?
6:15:50 PM
Thanks simey, i will have to go climb tiptoe this easter and blow the dust off my nuts.

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